Staying Afloat

I wonder what it is about us humans that we venture into situations that are so obviously fraught with danger; into circumstances that are so obviously doomed for failure. I wonder really, if there is anything called free-will and free-choice in this thing we call life…. Or is it all really inevitable? Is life predetermined for us at each step, with each choice leading to a definite conclusion, or are the scales tipped against us right from the beginning? Are we our own worst enemies?

I have always been judgmental. I see that now. There were certain things that I simply would NEVER do, because I KNEW it was wrong. Now though, the certainties have been pulled from under my feet. I don’t know anymore, if I am all that “good”. There is no good and bad anymore. It’s a bunch of lost human beings trying to figure themselves out in a world with no guideposts. Yeats “second-coming” is a terribly spooky self-fulfilling prophecy.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.


I wonder if this was how life always was and I just smell reality, or if it’s only recently that the world has turned out to be such a shaky place. The situations that you think you will never confront, life makes you confront. And as you look inside, you realise that you have a dark side too. That your evil twin is precisely that “bitch” you condemned.

‘Cos even though your head tells you something, your heart, that one thing you always trusted would lead you through, turns out to be a traitor. It is insistent, persistent, whiny, and throws a perpetual tantrum, screaming to be heard.

I mean what if someone posted him/herself outside your door and kept ringing the bell the entire day? Wouldn’t you let the unwelcome visitor in? Out of sheer frustration and desperation? The heart is like that. An unwelcome visitor who speaks unwelcome truths, challenging you to deny your true feelings, even though you know that what you may do may not really be morally right.

What’s the best thing to do? How does one know when there are no guideposts? When all the literature and all the advice you receive tells you to go with your heart, but your head simply will NOT allow you to take the step and be at peace with yourself. When life hangs suspended, actions halt to a stop and you are just hanging there at the edge of the cliff, wondering how much longer you’ll have to hang on. And knowing all the while that the possibility of a helping hand is next to zilch.

(And really, if you think you know someone really well, think again. Human nature is at its best idiosyncratic and interesting, at its worst, unpredictable and fickle. )

No, this isn’t a confessional. I haven’t really DONE anything wrong. Lol. Not yet!! But suddenly I am faced with the choice of taking a “wrong” step, and I am finding that the battle is longer and more wearying than I ever imagined. And I cannot judge ‘them’ anymore, those erring “wrong-doers”. I am one with them. I sympathise, empathise call it what one may. I am no longer a mute spectator. There are voices everywhere and the wrong step is just over the brink.

And suddenly, Heaven seems to have shut its doors.