S has been wondering why I don’t update so much anymore….Fact is, there’s nothing much left to be said. And that is a good thing. It just means that the voices in my head are simply not that insistent anymore. I am not so obsessed with finding answers or thrashing out my thoughts, or analyzing the nuances of every feeling….

I remember when I first started blogging almost 15 months ago, I used to update my blog almost thrice a day!! Cos there was SO MUCH to be thought out, so much to be said. But then, I guess that comes with every transition phase. And then, after all that turmoil you reach the calm quiet place, where you are cocooned. Safe.

It’s like after having been in the storm, he decides that you’ve done your bit. Decides that you can take a rest. And so he gives you easy days. Days when you simply have to sit back and watch. Mull over. Learn from people. Observe… make mental notes for the new battle ahead.

A time….for everything…yes…

And there is that angst. Always that angst. But maybe, even that has a purpose. Cos it’s when the angst is greatest that you need him the most. It’s when you are most lonely, most angry, most frightened, most nauseated, most bitter, most overcome, most overwhelmed that you finally acknowledge that you need help.

Sometimes, no make that most times, I don’t understand what is really happening. Sometimes, I am so angry with him. Why, I mean why? Why taunt me? Why test me? Haven’t I faced enough already? Can’t you let me be for a while?

And it seems unfair. The lessons too hard. And I don’t wanna learn. I don’t wanna quit but then, I do wish he’d jus keep on babying me. Wish he wouldn’t keep challenging me to grow. Wish he'd just be nice and full of ‘grace’ and never make me have to work for anything.

Sometimes, I wish there was no ‘disciplining’ or ‘discipl-ing'.

This had better be worth the wait :(