Upside Down. Inside Out.

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying, "This is the way, walk in it."

This morning, as I sat down I taunted God with that. Really, God? How come I can't hear that voice? And you say you always "honour" your word. Why am I always doing? Why is it that you are never pleased?

And as I came to work, my mind was in a turmoil. Where are the answers?? I remembered how in my toddler days as a believer, I got my answers JLT! I only had to pray and there it was! I only had to step out and my answers were waiting for me.

And it simply wasn't like that anymore...I simply didn't seem to be getting things right....had my faith dwindled? I didn't think so. Had I erred and was this silence punishment? And I kept searching in my mind for possible areas that I might have gone wrong in cos I couldn't FEEL God's presence near me anymore.

But the more I searched for answers, the more frustrated I felt. Isn't it amazing though how God speaks to you....always, always in the strangest of ways? I've heard of people who converse with God like they would with anybody else. And I've always wished it'd be like that for me. But somehow, that's not how chooses to speak with me.

Strangely enough, he speaks to me, the anti-people person through people!! This morning I wrestled with God, much maybe like Jacob did. Saying, "I am not getting up from here, until you answer."

I was angry with Him. With myself. It seemed that the harder I tried to please him, the harder I rushed about trying to imitate him, the harder I fell. And this morning I yelled saying, " You know what, you aren't fair! Here I am waiting and wanting to do your will and you don't even TELL me what you want me to do. You said you'd guide, you said you'd be "God with us" but actually you aren't. You are just God up there sitting up there and watching us run around making fools of ourselves. Discretion is ALL I'm asking for!! Some feedback is all I want."

This morning while we were having prayers GC said something pertinent. God is not a God of do's and dont's. Why am I trying so hard? In my effort to DO things for Him, have I forgotten to just bask in his total accepatance...? Am I being like Martha? Zealous to perform and in that zeal losing sight of the ACTUAL goal?

Or am I so preoccupied with his love that I fail to reflect it? Am I sponging it all in without giving anything back in return? Am I so busy "sacrificing" and "offering" that I'm just forgetting the simplest thing of all and the greatest commandment of all-love?

Above all, can I really afford to be an "anti-social"?? Transition phase. Again. And I am not even a year old!!!

Is this what they mean by being led from glory to glory? How much am I willing to let go of who I AM "basically" to the only man in all history who claimed to be "I AM"? Just how much am I willing to surrender?

Cos the REAL issue here isn't that I am not being led. The REAL issue is I am being asked to change SOME MORE. The REAL ISSUE is, I am being called in for a makeover.

Upside down. Inside out. You do it to me over and over again.