You know I’ve been thinking about this thing called peer pressure. Isn’t it funny how people talk of it almost as though it’s something that happens to those floooby floosy itsy bitsy teenyboppers? But come to think of it, peer pressure is as constant as life and death.

The need to belong. The need to conform. And it’s funny….the things it makes you do….a friend’s parents are forcing her into a marriage with someone she might never grow to like. Their excuse? Everybody else’s daughters’ are.

And then, there are people who won’t do what the rest of them are doing just cos the rest of them are doing it. You know, like the rebel without a cause? I was lathat in college. But that’s peer pressure too. Inversely.

I did everything that the rest of my nice Tam Brahm friends (good gals from good families, they said) never did. Drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney, did ecstasy and agony and whatever not. And my friends clucked and wondered when I’d get straight.

Boyfriends disapproved of their girlfriends keeping me company. There I was dating people who were old enough to belong to 3 generations ago instead of having a nice crush on a nice boy. Corrs nobody realized I was just a kid bored with college life. Strangely enough, nobody thought I was ‘bad girl’ though…. hmmm….they just thought I was good girl in bad company of bad old men. Which was partly true, come to think of it. Hmmm….

Anyways, all that preoccupation with being the rebel without a cause or a pause, was, in hindsight, childish. Flouting rules simply cos they were there. That was the trip. But then, during my P.G. something changed. There were all of us hostelites, away from home. A whole new city, mine for the asking. And suddenly, I didn’t wanna do that stuff anymore.

“Come, come, let’s do hash,” said Tam Brahm good girl from good family. “This is so much fun!!” And they went to Koyla every Saturday to figure out how to use a chillum while I sat there feeling terribly outta place and weird cos I’d been there, done that and was bored outta my wits.

Smoking in hostel was s’posed to be the high point of playing dare devil. Sister Jo would be on her rounds sniffing around like a mastiff on heat! And she always found me curled up in bed, reading, while the rest of them got caught.

Naturally, she loved me. And naturally, there were hushed whispers of why I was never around and one of them even insinuated that I might have sneaked. Bah! Kiddos! Dontcha get it, I wanted to yell. I don’t care for your stupid parties and your daredevil acts. I’ve done a lot worse, and got away with it. Now, won’t you please leave me alone and allow me to enjoy my old age.

So while everybody else was busy learning to roll joints, I went for long solitary walks and cleaned my room and wondered once again about the purpose of my existence. Tried to figure out what was really the truth, what would really add meaning.

Two years ago, in the first flush of existential angst, I’d given up on clichés like ‘depth’ and ‘truth’ and ‘meaning’. I’d nodded my head sagely and agreed that there were no absolutes. That. Everything. Was. In. A. State. Of. Flux.

But now, I wanted to find answers. Answers that worked for me. Answers that I could live with for the rest of my life. Answers that I could look back to on my death-bed and say, “ I don’t regret.”

And I don’t. Nothing. Not even the deepest wound. Not even the one that won’t ever have a scab. I am glad for it all.

For the rebellious phase and the going beyond cos now I KNOW why.

For the drunken driving cos now I know for sure that’s one way I won’t ever die.
For the Lolita syndrome cos it’s helped me appreciate the beauty of what can be grasped.
For warped minds cos it’s taught me how not to be.
For the hurting cos it’s made me more sensitive to those that hurt.
For the death of a life-time cos it helped me find new life.
For the death of old love cos I can give the best of me to somebody worthwhile.

To new life and healing touches. To people who’ll always try to ‘figure’ me out (and fail). To people who think that what you see is what there is. To all who’ll never understand. * cheers*