Sometimes, what seems to be the problem isn’t the problem at all. The human heart is so complicated sometimes…first it tells you one thing, then another. I’ve learnt to let my heart talk on endlessly while I go about my daily tasks.

There’s this constant murmur beneath all the activities that make up daily living. At one time, I used to stop to explore. I couldn’t stop looking at my ‘self’. Paying attention to every nuance, every turn of the tide, every ebb, every flow.

And then would come the painful task of trying to figure out why I felt the way I did. Sometimes, the change of mood would be wrought by something as simple as a closed window!!

Or the fact that someone I’d smiled at hadn’t smiled back at me! It would send my spirits plummeting down and suddenly I’d feel like I had hit rock bottom and couldn’t rise up cos of the heaviness. A rock in my heart…that’s what it felt like... Those days, life was so complicated.

And now…can I really claim to have changed all that much…? I guess in essence I am the same…but there are changes that I cannot deny. A change that has come so gradually…. crept up on me as I knelt down on my knees…so imperceptibly….a gradual change of…. attitude.

My days have been ordered, my circumstances fashioned, my encounters with people brought about to foster the right kind of attitude. And it’s been so slow, so slow that if I were to compare my ‘yesterday self’ with my ‘today self’, they’d be pretty much the same. But add the cumulative effect of all those todays that have faded into yesterdays…. and I can hardly recognize myself.

Cos today, I’ve learnt not to focus quite so much on my feelings. To do what ought to be done, irrespective of whether I FEEL it or not. Those days, I never prayed cos I never FELT like God was listening or FELT that he existed. But today, I know that whether I FEEL it or not, God IS listening!

I’m also learning to not let people get to me. No more headlong jumps. I am in control. I will let people in so much and not an inch more. Sometimes, I still go wrong there though…before I know it, I just might realize that I care more than I should. So, I’m still cautious, still on my guard.

K says I’ve become hard. She said it rather disapprovingly. She says I don’t look either naïve or vulnerable anymore, that I’ve lost my ‘innocent charm.’ Yeah well… that’s cos I am neither naïve nor innocent. About the vulnerable bit am not so sure, I still tend to be a softie sometimes, but I guess it’s just a matter of time before I harden up some more.

But then again, I don’t want to get too hard either. I want to be able to give unconditionally but expect nothing in return… Cos that’s where I always go wrong…expectations. I end up expecting too much cos I feel I’ve given enough to expect what I do expect. But it ought not to be like that, huh? Go the extra mile…but expect nothing in return….

S says that’s being a doormat…but I am not so sure about that. I’ve been practicing it and I find that when I expect nothing from people and yet people give me something…I am pleasantly surprised and touched, which I would not have been if I’d been expecting it to begin with.

But I admit I need some more training there. Ok, make that lots more training. A life-long training process but I will get better day-by-day.

So…the reason I am talking about all of this today is cos…I donno….I guess I just needed to remind myself all over again. Just remind myself so that when the moment comes, as I am scared it will…I will remember… and take my ‘decision’ remembering and aware.

P.S. Does ANYBODY here know what actually brings two people together? Sometimes, two people who are so totally unlike each other? Is it circumstances? Or is it that moment in time? When does liking turn to love? And once that happens, is it ever possible to turn back time??

I guess it is. I guess it’s eventually about priorities. Like everything else in the world is. Eventually, it’s about what you want from life. Or rather, what you THINK you want from life. Eventually, I guess it boils down to choice.