Learnings from 2005-Part 2
Learning five:
The last quarter of 2005….relationships, relationships, relationships. More and more and more practice, I’ve been given. But I guess, that’s cos it’s the one area where I need to do the most un-learning.
The most painful relationship encounters have taught me, much to my dismay that very often, I am at fault too!! :-O I learnt that all too often, I was waiting for people to let me down…cos that kinda validated my anger and hurt at the world.
Learning six:
I started re-reading “Of Human Bondage” after almost 12 years. I identify ever so much with Philip…it’s definitely gonna go down as one of my fave books…. it’d been so long since I read it, I’d almost forgotten the story. I was a bit scared about reading it cos when I first read it at 12-ish or thereabouts, I was horribly depressed for days on end.
I was scared I’d get feeling that way again. But I guess I am not “still 12” as I always claim;-) The last 12 years have certainly added perspective and unlike the kid me I guess the adult me does know where to draw the line between reality and fiction.
Anyways, the reason I brought it up is cos the book was an eye-opener for me in the sense that it showed me why I screwed up so much with people. Philip always gets the short-end in relationships (not just the girl-boy relationships but relationships in general) cos he spent so much time in his make-believe world as a kid, he lost out valuable learning time on life…REAL life.
So, while his intellectual skills are quite developed, he is a total dolt when it comes to social skills and relationships. Actually, the word is naïve. And I think I still am that horrible word when it comes to relationships. To this day, I can’t make out if someone is playing mind-games with me or ‘using’ me or whatever ugly things that people sometimes tend to do.
Learning seven
In 2004, as sheer defense mechanism, I hit the other extreme. Closed doors. Barred all entry. All through 2005, each time I was hurt, I bit my lips and decided to harden up some more…but somehow, I doubt that’s the right reaction…the right reaction is balance, the right reaction is developing my judgment skills so I can really see people as they are…though I think I am still a little clueless there.
My friend S gave me very good advice. She said, “ Trust people, but don’t jump. Don’t be misled by appearances. Just cos someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they’ll never let you down. So wait and watch before you invest emotions but be nice to them all the same…
Yes…I SO need to learn that in 2006…the right balance between attachment and detachment. Lots more practice will make me perfect:)
Learning eight:
The next major learning has been…about my family. I've come to realise that parents are not so grown up as we think they should be…deep down, they are just 12 too…parents are people with a past too…and often, it determines how they behave to each other and to you…so me…I gotta be kind to them. KIND. Just look at them not as gods who didn't do it all, but as human beings who are just…well…human.
I think until now…I’ve been looking at them as a child looks at its parents. Deep down, there has always been the resentment that they screwed up so many times in so many ways… there was anger that they weren’t infallible…I’ve compared them to other kids’ parents and been angry and outraged at them cos they weren’t like them.
Must have been really horrid for them…I mean, I know how pisssed off I get when I am compared….it must be even worse to feel that in spite of her SAYING nothing, your daughter makes you feel that you are the world’s worst parents. No, I never really thought THAT, but I know I always twisted the knife just to make them feel guilty :- ( I hate that ugly trick I do sometimes)
But yes…the last one year has changed the dynamics. Also, it’s taught me what not to do in my own marriage and when I have my own family. (Also, I will never allow my kids to read fairy tales. I will also never send them to a girl’s school. )
Learning nine
Update: Re-reading the post of 26th December, I realized yet another thing (So many realizations…I think I am this close to Nirvana) what really hurts is not so much that someone hurt you cos they didn’t ‘know’ you or that though they loved you, they didn’t ‘know’ you…what ACTUALLY hurts more is that they hurt you in spite of ‘knowing’ you in whatever degree they did, or that they ‘knew’ you but didn’t love you.
Learning ten
I'll take learning seven again cos re-reading 26th's post with today’s post…I am torn between 2 extreme reactions-1. people aren’t worth it and 2, they are worth it. Sigh....Balance. I think I should wear the word around my neck, bind it around my arms and have it as my screensaver.
Oh and I am done with 2005. Hope the first 5 days have been rocking for everybody...and since I have a penchant for being 'first', before anybody else in blogdom does it, I shall!! Wish you all a very happy 2007.
The last quarter of 2005….relationships, relationships, relationships. More and more and more practice, I’ve been given. But I guess, that’s cos it’s the one area where I need to do the most un-learning.
The most painful relationship encounters have taught me, much to my dismay that very often, I am at fault too!! :-O I learnt that all too often, I was waiting for people to let me down…cos that kinda validated my anger and hurt at the world.
Learning six:
I started re-reading “Of Human Bondage” after almost 12 years. I identify ever so much with Philip…it’s definitely gonna go down as one of my fave books…. it’d been so long since I read it, I’d almost forgotten the story. I was a bit scared about reading it cos when I first read it at 12-ish or thereabouts, I was horribly depressed for days on end.
I was scared I’d get feeling that way again. But I guess I am not “still 12” as I always claim;-) The last 12 years have certainly added perspective and unlike the kid me I guess the adult me does know where to draw the line between reality and fiction.
Anyways, the reason I brought it up is cos the book was an eye-opener for me in the sense that it showed me why I screwed up so much with people. Philip always gets the short-end in relationships (not just the girl-boy relationships but relationships in general) cos he spent so much time in his make-believe world as a kid, he lost out valuable learning time on life…REAL life.
So, while his intellectual skills are quite developed, he is a total dolt when it comes to social skills and relationships. Actually, the word is naïve. And I think I still am that horrible word when it comes to relationships. To this day, I can’t make out if someone is playing mind-games with me or ‘using’ me or whatever ugly things that people sometimes tend to do.
Learning seven
In 2004, as sheer defense mechanism, I hit the other extreme. Closed doors. Barred all entry. All through 2005, each time I was hurt, I bit my lips and decided to harden up some more…but somehow, I doubt that’s the right reaction…the right reaction is balance, the right reaction is developing my judgment skills so I can really see people as they are…though I think I am still a little clueless there.
My friend S gave me very good advice. She said, “ Trust people, but don’t jump. Don’t be misled by appearances. Just cos someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they’ll never let you down. So wait and watch before you invest emotions but be nice to them all the same…
Yes…I SO need to learn that in 2006…the right balance between attachment and detachment. Lots more practice will make me perfect:)
Learning eight:
The next major learning has been…about my family. I've come to realise that parents are not so grown up as we think they should be…deep down, they are just 12 too…parents are people with a past too…and often, it determines how they behave to each other and to you…so me…I gotta be kind to them. KIND. Just look at them not as gods who didn't do it all, but as human beings who are just…well…human.
I think until now…I’ve been looking at them as a child looks at its parents. Deep down, there has always been the resentment that they screwed up so many times in so many ways… there was anger that they weren’t infallible…I’ve compared them to other kids’ parents and been angry and outraged at them cos they weren’t like them.
Must have been really horrid for them…I mean, I know how pisssed off I get when I am compared….it must be even worse to feel that in spite of her SAYING nothing, your daughter makes you feel that you are the world’s worst parents. No, I never really thought THAT, but I know I always twisted the knife just to make them feel guilty :- ( I hate that ugly trick I do sometimes)
But yes…the last one year has changed the dynamics. Also, it’s taught me what not to do in my own marriage and when I have my own family. (Also, I will never allow my kids to read fairy tales. I will also never send them to a girl’s school. )
Learning nine
Update: Re-reading the post of 26th December, I realized yet another thing (So many realizations…I think I am this close to Nirvana) what really hurts is not so much that someone hurt you cos they didn’t ‘know’ you or that though they loved you, they didn’t ‘know’ you…what ACTUALLY hurts more is that they hurt you in spite of ‘knowing’ you in whatever degree they did, or that they ‘knew’ you but didn’t love you.
Learning ten
I'll take learning seven again cos re-reading 26th's post with today’s post…I am torn between 2 extreme reactions-1. people aren’t worth it and 2, they are worth it. Sigh....Balance. I think I should wear the word around my neck, bind it around my arms and have it as my screensaver.
Oh and I am done with 2005. Hope the first 5 days have been rocking for everybody...and since I have a penchant for being 'first', before anybody else in blogdom does it, I shall!! Wish you all a very happy 2007.
posted by Rapunzel at 7:06 pm
13 Comments:
*cackle* at the happy 2007.. priceless..
on a serious note, however-did i tell you how much i admire your guts at being able to examine in such detail the year that's gone by? i would find it very difficult to do- no- i dont think i could do it, in all honesty.
and that part abt co-ed is right-you can see where i sharpened my claws. i also think girls who go to a girls school are daintier, which all in all is a good thing.if you learn how to throw an occasional punch, that is.
austere
well its not easy balancing everything, practical approach is not always possible . sometimes we even know that we are in for sureshot heartburn but just to defy ourselves we let our heart go and rule over the brain... love will not happen if we close the heart in a closet and if it is outside, it will be getting hurt more often than not. balancing is not upto us coz love doesnt weigh the pros and cons... cant do anything but wait for the right person
hmm... and lemme go beyond u and dream abt wot i'll be doing in 2007.................. a BIIIIIIG house, loads of money, my very own baby... err... company... and hapy me. Do i need a man to complete me?
AUSTY-*grin*@ur cackle. abt the serious note...austy....saying it all actually is nothing. cos when u say it all, ppl actually see nothing....cos they think u've said it all. its when u try to hide that ppl end up seeing more....ironically.
SOT-i'd have agreed with u on that one. but like i said its a matter of practice. i've been spending so much time training myself to use my head more than my heart, that it's really not that difficult for me anymore to take a "coldly practical" decision.
and yes i think love might be slightly over-rated. even love is a choice acc to me.everything seems rosy at the beginning but from thence, it is a decision. u love IN SPITE of the pros and cons.
J-errrr....no u might not need a man to complete YOU but if u intend to have your very own baby, a man might be required to complete IT. no?? :-O and why go thru the rigours of having a very own baby? just get a man :-D two birds with one mega stone called J :-D
You know... you remind me of a very good friend of mine! I just talk talk talk and talk more to her on just about anything...
8. I agree wholeheartedly with you on this one. If you stopped looking at parents as "parents" and more as individuals, they are superb people to get to know all over again.
7 & 10 - Balance of attachment and detachment. No Rapunzel. Don't do it! It has "half-assed" written all over it. Whatever you do, do it passionately and go all the way. You *have* to see things in Black and White at times, before you give in to the grey areas and make emotional investments. Okay, I might be blabbering there!
5. Of course you were at fault too! :) Happy new year madame!
GREY SHADES-*rolls eyes* You!!!! Btw, it's been a while since we talked talked and talked:-D *tring tring*????
JAX-lol. come on it's not half-assed. it's BALANCED. whatever 'I' do, I'll do passionately. But never bring in passion when other people are involved. cos a)most ppl find my passion very scary;-)("senselessly intense") (b) other people is not your terrain. whatever is in MY terrain, i'll do passionately! that's better, eh?
naaah wait n watch....!2006, you'll be vertical again :) you can re-name yourself "I AM VERTICAL"...assuming that is what you wanna be of corrs!
Love your blog
Besitos
Its good to contain your learnings as long as you can grow from it and not make the same asumptions or get into the same confusion.. like the human mind tends to do...
Hugssss
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