Learnings from 2005-Part I

A New Year always demands a review. So the next one fortnight, that’s what I need to do…

I wondered if I should give up the blog but then…not yet. There are reasons why I should though. I’ve realized that the blog gets in the way of my doing any worthwhile writing….hmmm…oh well.

New Year’s eve was…I donno. I had a good time…but beneath it all, beneath the laughter and merriment, I felt so terribly lonely and alone. It was a couples’ party and my friends being the good couples that they are, decided to invite their poor single friends cos they knew they’d be alone. So that explains my presence there.

The only other single besides me was miserable (but doing a great job at hiding it) cos his ex had come with her soon-to-be husband. (Anyways, the girl was behaving like a total bitch…I mean, she was the one who decided she didn’t want the relationship and then without the slightest feeling of remorse or guilt was smooching her fiancé. Could have so given her *one tight slap* I mean whatever happened to sensitivity???)

Felt terribly sorry for the rejected boy. Also, felt terribly sorry for myself. Lol.

One bit of me wanted to just get back home, snuggle up in bed and talk to God. I knew that if I kept silent for an instant the voices in my head would start speaking, so I frenetically kept myself going.

I am a more “one-on-one person”…Crowds (more than two new faces) make me nervous and shy though I do a great job at pretending that I am at ease. The only time I love crowds is when I am on stage. That’s a major contradiction…oh well…. But I SOOOOOOO longed for my tower yesterday…

That’s all I’ve been doing today though staying in my tower praying, questioning, mulling…so many unanswered questions from last year…so many unfulfilled dreams, relationships that didn’t quite go sour but didn’t quite go the way I intended it to either, let-downs from people, silence from God…. but then again, I’ve learnt so much…

Learning number one:

Most importantly, I learnt to forgive… July taught me that you can’t ever really let go of the past until you learn to forgive. And that forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate choice… And I have forgiven them all but I still have a wee bit more to go when it comes to forgiving myself. (Still feel incredibly stupid when I look back.)

Today, my pastor kinda confirmed that bit about forgiving yourself. He said, “ Did you know that if God has told you ‘forgiven’ (and He always does), it’s a SIN to not forgive yourself?” I really felt like he was talking to me… the same thought occurred to me a few weeks ago and it was like I hadn’t listened the first time, so God had to tell me again….

Learning number two:

I’ve also learnt that though trust has to be earned…it’s also a choice. In 2004, I remember writing… “Love is unconditional, but trust has to be earned.” It’s not true. It’s SO not true cos it isn’t fair to the other person. Just cos someone else screwed up on you, the rest of humanity (and often, unbelievable as it sounds, many people DO care about you) doesn’t deserve to be weighed and found wanting.

It’s so easy to turn cynical…the idealists are not fools…I think…they are fighters…they managed to keep their dreams and their hope intact in spite of rude shocks from reality, in spite of disillusions…like Gandhi…like Anne Frank who even while she was being hunted down by the Nazis could say, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

Learning number three:

I had to unlearn what I had learnt about trust. I believe life will require that of me time and time again…to unlearn what I’ve learnt.

Learning number four:

The ugliest circumstances have taught me to trust God more…the longest silences from Him have taught me what it is to walk by faith and not by sight, to keep on believing Him even when the circumstances around me don’t seem to change, to refrain from denying His existence cos the exact opposite of my prayers have come to pass….

The first euphoria of my relationship with God began to wane in 2005…but I’ve learnt the most valuable spiritual lesson that will see me through 2006-- You are as close to God as you choose to be. And I believe it applies to every other relationship too--You are as close to your husband/wife/lover/friend/parent/child as you CHOOSE to be.

Take love for instance….I see so many staid, stagnant relationships around me (frightens me to see a couple sitting opposite each other looking bored outta their wits) but then again, I see relationships , where you can TELL that in spite of the gray hair and wrinkles the couple loves each other dearly…

Surely, choice must be the BIGGEST principle that governs man’s life on earth…with every choice leading you down a definite path that no other choice can rectify or undo. The friction comes when you try to arm-twist others into choosing what you want, the tragedy lies in the fact that you can’t choose for the one you love…

Learning five-ten, I will save for another day....