Today...two years ago to the day...perhaps to the hour, my life crashed. So, this is a death anniversary of sorts. Actually, this is probably a bad idea....reminiscing....I went back and read my old blog and felt like crying...not cos I can't believe I went through it....but simply cos it beats me HOW I could have been so...so.... needy.I just don't get it.

Then, there's the feeling of, "What a baby I was. What an absolute baby."

How could I even be capable of so much pain? This me....this 'grown-up' me is so much more shallow in her relationships...I don't think I can or even WANT to be that intense any more.

Not even to the man you'll be with, A asked. No, not even to him. No relationship, no human being can take the pressure of another human being living for him and through him and by him...nobody can handle that kind of intensity...not even your own self...

It's made me hard-hearted in a way...today, I can snap out of a floundering relationship, be it friendship or something more intimate, and move on as though the person had never existed, had never been a part of my life. Where did that strength come from? Is it a GOOD strength even?

A year back, I was crying cos the pain still hadnt gone away and I was certain that it never would. I had appointed a year for me to heal and forget and I had not. So, I told myself that this pain would always, always remain...

But it hasn't...like He said, I did. And the healing began and today, two years later, the over riding feeling is not pain...rather, it's gratitude cos I realise that what I gained in Him was worth the agony.

You, Oh Lord have been my only help, my refuge, my shield.

When ever I read Psalms and read the phrase "in the shadow of Your wings", I choke up...cos that's what it felt like then....it was like God was holding me so close to Him and comforting me physically.

I haven't felt so close to God as I did during those most painful days, as I clung on to Him with all of my life, with all of my being....cos I knew that if I lost Him again, I'd never live to see the next day. Dramatic as that sounds...

Now however, it's a quiet faith, based on God's faithfulness...but then it was very much like a baby clings on for dear life to whoever takes care of it...it was a selfish, grasping, possessive love...a demanding love...pretty much a transference of what I'd felt. I am so grateful to Him for taking it.

And I know that come what may, that's the ONLY assurance, the ONLY certainty that I'll ever have...that God loves me too much to see me cry and not rush to my side to comfort me...and THAT feeling....for THAT feeling...even my pain seems to have been worthwhile.

Thank You.

Let It Go

This blog has served its purpose. So, let it go. It's a fitting way to bid goodbye--closing with the latest lesson I've been asked to learn:

" You like it? Good!! Now let it go."

I don't get it. But since I've always been a rather obedient student, in spite of the fact that this costs me dear, I am letting it go...no questions asked....mainly cos there are no more questions to ask :) And the only person I can ask it to has been refusing to answer...

Maybe, it has to do with the fact that I am not a princess. Maybe, it has to do with the fact that there are no more princes, no more knights in shining armour, who will slay the dragon and cross the seven seas just to scale the heights of my impossible tower and be with me.

They all died long, long ago when the world was young.

I'd like to believe in them still...but I can't. There are no more princes and princesses...just frail men and women with fragile nerves and even more fragile hearts. Who was it who first said that if you say a lie often enough, it becomes the truth? Well, that's not true. Cos your heart would always know that you were lying...and much as I'd love to believe in a perfectly happy ending...deep down, I don't anymore.

Maybe, when I started the blog...I still dared to believe in happy endings. I know I should continue to do that...but it's becoming too much effort. Besides, deep down, I guess I knew that my "princess days" were over after all. Just that it didn't have a princess ending, so I told myself that my princess ending was still waiting for me.
But today, I know that there are no princess endings when you are NOT a princess! I'd never find my way into a fairy tale. Fairy tale princesses are sugar and spice and everything nice. So, what's the point in "Being Rapunzel", when there is no more a Rapunzel?

So...it's with something of bewilderment and a lot of confusion and unbelievable heartache that I am letting it go...this has been for me a refuge of sorts...a place to pour my heart out...a person, who'd listen endlessly to all that I had to say without accusing me of thinking too much, of complicating simple things, of being negative, of being "way too intense"...someone who never told me that I couldn't be who I was.

Sheesh....I do sound moronic and weepy, don't I? Imagine being clingy about a blog! And I thought I wasn't clingy anymore! All the more reason to let it go. Ha!

Everybody here...I've learnt something from you...something that I'll carry with me...a thought...an attitude sometimes...a new perspective...

In little ways, the learnings of the virtual self stands you in good stead in real life. At least, it has for me. In the last two and a half years, I've had at least eight blogs...and I've met so many people virtually...and I wonder why....it's such a strange feeling when you realise that you never really KNEW any of these people...and yet, you shared some things with them that you'd never share with the real people in your life....

Thank you everybody who has been visiting me...even the silent numbers on my statcounter! I will miss you all! I would have said "Keep in touch" but that would be silly cos I bet most of us have no time to care for the REAL people in our lives....leave alone the virtual. So, let it go.