Today...two years ago to the day...perhaps to the hour, my life crashed. So, this is a death anniversary of sorts. Actually, this is probably a bad idea....reminiscing....I went back and read my old blog and felt like crying...not cos I can't believe I went through it....but simply cos it beats me HOW I could have been so...so.... needy.I just don't get it.
Then, there's the feeling of, "What a baby I was. What an absolute baby."
How could I even be capable of so much pain? This me....this 'grown-up' me is so much more shallow in her relationships...I don't think I can or even WANT to be that intense any more.
Not even to the man you'll be with, A asked. No, not even to him. No relationship, no human being can take the pressure of another human being living for him and through him and by him...nobody can handle that kind of intensity...not even your own self...
It's made me hard-hearted in a way...today, I can snap out of a floundering relationship, be it friendship or something more intimate, and move on as though the person had never existed, had never been a part of my life. Where did that strength come from? Is it a GOOD strength even?
A year back, I was crying cos the pain still hadnt gone away and I was certain that it never would. I had appointed a year for me to heal and forget and I had not. So, I told myself that this pain would always, always remain...
But it hasn't...like He said, I did. And the healing began and today, two years later, the over riding feeling is not pain...rather, it's gratitude cos I realise that what I gained in Him was worth the agony.
You, Oh Lord have been my only help, my refuge, my shield.
When ever I read Psalms and read the phrase "in the shadow of Your wings", I choke up...cos that's what it felt like then....it was like God was holding me so close to Him and comforting me physically.
I haven't felt so close to God as I did during those most painful days, as I clung on to Him with all of my life, with all of my being....cos I knew that if I lost Him again, I'd never live to see the next day. Dramatic as that sounds...
Now however, it's a quiet faith, based on God's faithfulness...but then it was very much like a baby clings on for dear life to whoever takes care of it...it was a selfish, grasping, possessive love...a demanding love...pretty much a transference of what I'd felt. I am so grateful to Him for taking it.
And I know that come what may, that's the ONLY assurance, the ONLY certainty that I'll ever have...that God loves me too much to see me cry and not rush to my side to comfort me...and THAT feeling....for THAT feeling...even my pain seems to have been worthwhile.
Thank You.
Then, there's the feeling of, "What a baby I was. What an absolute baby."
How could I even be capable of so much pain? This me....this 'grown-up' me is so much more shallow in her relationships...I don't think I can or even WANT to be that intense any more.
Not even to the man you'll be with, A asked. No, not even to him. No relationship, no human being can take the pressure of another human being living for him and through him and by him...nobody can handle that kind of intensity...not even your own self...
It's made me hard-hearted in a way...today, I can snap out of a floundering relationship, be it friendship or something more intimate, and move on as though the person had never existed, had never been a part of my life. Where did that strength come from? Is it a GOOD strength even?
A year back, I was crying cos the pain still hadnt gone away and I was certain that it never would. I had appointed a year for me to heal and forget and I had not. So, I told myself that this pain would always, always remain...
But it hasn't...like He said, I did. And the healing began and today, two years later, the over riding feeling is not pain...rather, it's gratitude cos I realise that what I gained in Him was worth the agony.
You, Oh Lord have been my only help, my refuge, my shield.
When ever I read Psalms and read the phrase "in the shadow of Your wings", I choke up...cos that's what it felt like then....it was like God was holding me so close to Him and comforting me physically.
I haven't felt so close to God as I did during those most painful days, as I clung on to Him with all of my life, with all of my being....cos I knew that if I lost Him again, I'd never live to see the next day. Dramatic as that sounds...
Now however, it's a quiet faith, based on God's faithfulness...but then it was very much like a baby clings on for dear life to whoever takes care of it...it was a selfish, grasping, possessive love...a demanding love...pretty much a transference of what I'd felt. I am so grateful to Him for taking it.
And I know that come what may, that's the ONLY assurance, the ONLY certainty that I'll ever have...that God loves me too much to see me cry and not rush to my side to comfort me...and THAT feeling....for THAT feeling...even my pain seems to have been worthwhile.
Thank You.
posted by Rapunzel at 11:01 am
22 Comments:
Sounds good. Extremely actually.
Take care,
No Wonder your speech was such a hit! Absolutely Fabulous! I can relate with it ( except the 'god' concept :D)
Is it ironic or are we both going thru the same thing! :( These days even i've been reminiscing! And its not pleasant! The other day I was describing Chennai roads routes to someone and we ended up travelling to Perambur and after that it was like I couldnt talk at all! I jus went dead silent!
You have grown and you have learned.. this process keeps going on..
:)
keep living...
looking back is good sometimes.. but not great always.. so let the past rest.. live your present and build a great future..
I'm no expert but I've learned a thing or two about this. Er, maybe 'learned' is not the best way to describe it b'cos, as they say, it's a work in progress and a long, long way from getting where it ought to be.
You can't fix a time-frame for healing. I mean, you can but it doesn't work that way. It has to run its course. And, as far as I can tell, it still hasn't for you. This seems apparent from your post and in your assertions about recent and future relationships. When you're ready, I think, you'll know.
Of course, I may be wrong about everything but, as I'm writing this, I can see a part of what you've written under 'ABOUT ME': "I believe there are answers if only you know where to look for it...I believe in new beginnings."
Hmm, food for thought :-)
yes, this is but one certainty of life. of God carrying you while walking the rough roads. And tht's why u c only one pair of footprints... Such a comfort, innit?
A suggestion,do away with the old blog, our minds have enough memory to recollect the past.
And with time it does remember only the useful stuff, and good ones.
we start believing in god only after we find all our self reliant arrogance taken away, but it does feel good, a little weak but still good.
SANITY STARVED-what does?
APARNA- God concept....hmmmmm.....yeah i can relate with that phase:)
GREY SHADES-perambur? S was there? no....i dont have qualms of that sort....i am not reminiscing about M, I am just reminiscing about who I was then and who I am now.
PALLAVI-u one practical babe, eh?;-) hmmmm....actually even i am very practical...esp when it comes to others.hehehehe.
FAITH-i wish you hadnt removed ur blog....
GHOSt-your comments always make me wonder cos u say exactly what i said ...which makes me wonder if i am coherant at all!:p when i said that i had given myself one year but that it hadnt worked taht way...i was in fact acknowledging that it runs its course. and the fact that i remembered doesnt mean that i havent healed...u wouldnt very easily forget the turning point in ur life, would u? about my take on relationships....i think i am being wise...it's better to be wise and protect ur heart..and when i say that i wont depedn completely on any man, it's another way of saying that i will be trusting Somebody Else :)
SOULITARY REAPER-absolutely :)
VIJAY-naaah....i want it to be a reminder...it's a way of taking stock of the journey so far. i wanna keep it cos i believe that one day when i cant understand somebody else's pain, it will remind me of what it felt like to be 22 and hurting :)
Obviously, though in a roundabout way, you're implying that I'm obtuse. Hmm, that makes you the second person to say that today. Maybe there's something to it then :-)
My observation or comment is simply based on your perception of relationships, including man-woman and friendships. I could elaborate on this but won't for two reasons...b'cos, one, I don't know you and, as a result, could be absolutely off the mark and, two, which is actually the REAL reason, I'm scared of violence :-)
That's sum real deep shit beyond my understanding. newayz, take care.
hmmm.....god has always been and will continue to be my hero
well i was or am still in the recovering period... it sucks... btw.... holi today, so have fun and sab baatein bhul jao, soak in a tub of water and run, throw water ballons and apply gulal... have fun happy holi once again :-)
Yep S stays there. I gotta admit that, I was so much more happier that time than I am now! Yeah yeah... I know... You are as happy as you want to be! :)
quiet faith. i so understand that.
austere
Hey rapunzel, i completely relate to you... now i sometimes snap out of things that seem to go nowhere and this especially happens with relationships!!
Sometimes I am practical to the extent of looking stone hearted but I feel that it is just about being detached...
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