Bangalore and Back
Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that speak volumes. Bangalore was hectic. Two days into which we managed to squeeze in a lot of action. On the surface, we were just two families sitting over tea and coffee, talking about nothing in particular and having a generally good time.
But after they left, I felt suddenly as though I’d never be the same again. I mean nothing happened. But suddenly, I felt so strange…like I’d grown up and there was no going back. I felt that life would simply never be the same again. Something had changed. I just didn't know what... And then I realized that until now, I’ve been waiting.
Waiting for life to happen. Waiting for another day before I got around to doing ‘it’. Whatever 'it' is....cos as of now, I don't know...I've just been procrastinating.
But I am not gonna do that anymore. Cos all that I have is now, now, now. Just this moment to be lived in. The past is gone and the future never turns out the way you planned it anyways. You don’t have control over circumstances, or the decisions that others will take.
All that I do have is faith. And hope. And love. Faith that nothing evil will overcome me because He who loves me will never harm me and even the events that don’t make sense is part of His plans to make me grow up and just trust Him more…. Faith that the bleak present is just an essential part of the ‘moulding’ process…. Hope that one day in eternity, everything that has happened in my life will make perfect sense. And love to be shared…in all the moments spent together, the laughs, the tears, the joys, the victories….the moments of pain, agony, conflict shared together.
If I could speak face to face with God, I could just ask Him everyday what He wanted me to do and just do it. But part of the faith walk is finding out God’s will not as a readymade answer…but as a constant process of finding out and in the finding and searching process…grow up. So I can only act as I think He’d want me to, believing that even if I do choose wrong, God is God enough to let me learn from the experience and move on.
Another thing…from this day on, I will only go 50%. But I WILL go that 50% the whole hog. Will do my bit. 50%--No more and no less. If the other person won’t come the other 50% and meet me mid-way, it’s goodbye. Regrettably…but still goodbye.
But what about old friends, A asked aghast. Well, if old friends don’t feel the same way about preserving the relationship, why would I bang my head against a wall of great expectations? Obviously, they’ve moved on, so I’ll move on too. With no hard feelings. Cos I must remember I’ve done it too. Moved on so far and so beyond someone that there is no common ground anymore to relate with the other person. Like if I had to meet P and S and N from school, my best friends then, I’d be kinda clueless what to talk to them about. Or S1 and S2 from college. Or R. Or even A for that matter. When that person you were is dead, what do you bring alive into the relationship? Nothing. The relationship must die…inevitably. And there’s no going back... To go back and try to resurrect the relationship half-heartedly would be to spoil the memory of better times. No, thank you.
After my effusiveness last week, that might seem rather strange. I love my friends…but I am compelled to concede that sometimes, try as I might, relationships might go sour. Might. Futuristic. But sometimes things happen…things that are not in your control…so what’s the point of blaming yourself, the other person or life?
Cos in this journey called life…everybody is just another fellow traveler, right? You share the ride and then when your stop comes or the other person’s stop comes…you just part ways…not cos you want to…but cos it’s inevitable…and your journey together is at an end…and if you get so caught up with the company you’re with…you just might miss out on your destination.
The other person’s destination…it might just never be the same as yours. Neither right nor wrong but just not yours.
But heck…though that makes perfect logical sense, why does it make my heart feel so heavy?? I'm repeating old lessons to myself. Just to remind me... just so that I won't lose perspective, or lose my goal...
But really, why is it that we long for things that just might not be good for us? The lure of the forbidden fruit…the original sin...the same old trap.
But after they left, I felt suddenly as though I’d never be the same again. I mean nothing happened. But suddenly, I felt so strange…like I’d grown up and there was no going back. I felt that life would simply never be the same again. Something had changed. I just didn't know what... And then I realized that until now, I’ve been waiting.
Waiting for life to happen. Waiting for another day before I got around to doing ‘it’. Whatever 'it' is....cos as of now, I don't know...I've just been procrastinating.
But I am not gonna do that anymore. Cos all that I have is now, now, now. Just this moment to be lived in. The past is gone and the future never turns out the way you planned it anyways. You don’t have control over circumstances, or the decisions that others will take.
All that I do have is faith. And hope. And love. Faith that nothing evil will overcome me because He who loves me will never harm me and even the events that don’t make sense is part of His plans to make me grow up and just trust Him more…. Faith that the bleak present is just an essential part of the ‘moulding’ process…. Hope that one day in eternity, everything that has happened in my life will make perfect sense. And love to be shared…in all the moments spent together, the laughs, the tears, the joys, the victories….the moments of pain, agony, conflict shared together.
If I could speak face to face with God, I could just ask Him everyday what He wanted me to do and just do it. But part of the faith walk is finding out God’s will not as a readymade answer…but as a constant process of finding out and in the finding and searching process…grow up. So I can only act as I think He’d want me to, believing that even if I do choose wrong, God is God enough to let me learn from the experience and move on.
Another thing…from this day on, I will only go 50%. But I WILL go that 50% the whole hog. Will do my bit. 50%--No more and no less. If the other person won’t come the other 50% and meet me mid-way, it’s goodbye. Regrettably…but still goodbye.
But what about old friends, A asked aghast. Well, if old friends don’t feel the same way about preserving the relationship, why would I bang my head against a wall of great expectations? Obviously, they’ve moved on, so I’ll move on too. With no hard feelings. Cos I must remember I’ve done it too. Moved on so far and so beyond someone that there is no common ground anymore to relate with the other person. Like if I had to meet P and S and N from school, my best friends then, I’d be kinda clueless what to talk to them about. Or S1 and S2 from college. Or R. Or even A for that matter. When that person you were is dead, what do you bring alive into the relationship? Nothing. The relationship must die…inevitably. And there’s no going back... To go back and try to resurrect the relationship half-heartedly would be to spoil the memory of better times. No, thank you.
After my effusiveness last week, that might seem rather strange. I love my friends…but I am compelled to concede that sometimes, try as I might, relationships might go sour. Might. Futuristic. But sometimes things happen…things that are not in your control…so what’s the point of blaming yourself, the other person or life?
Cos in this journey called life…everybody is just another fellow traveler, right? You share the ride and then when your stop comes or the other person’s stop comes…you just part ways…not cos you want to…but cos it’s inevitable…and your journey together is at an end…and if you get so caught up with the company you’re with…you just might miss out on your destination.
The other person’s destination…it might just never be the same as yours. Neither right nor wrong but just not yours.
But heck…though that makes perfect logical sense, why does it make my heart feel so heavy?? I'm repeating old lessons to myself. Just to remind me... just so that I won't lose perspective, or lose my goal...
But really, why is it that we long for things that just might not be good for us? The lure of the forbidden fruit…the original sin...the same old trap.
posted by Rapunzel at 5:15 pm
12 Comments:
We long for things that just might not be good for us in the hope and expectation that it will be.
I am glad that you had fun Rapunzel.. :)
Thank you for sharing this with us R.
i totally agree about the old friends bit...have bruised my head enough times trying to keep in touch with people...
HYDE-i dont think that applies for me. more often than not i am quite clear that it's not good for me and never will be.
PALLAVi- hmmmm
SwB-i wonder...
शक्ती-i know. so have i. btw, u never did answer...how did u manage this script for ur id?
this is two posts, isnt it?
hmm
I'll take part A, please.
So often it is tough. So often I have fought with Him. So often i have shaken my fist angrily, " da da da clean up your act will you?" ; only to realise this IS the act.
So- goodluck, Rapunzel.
And patience.
austere
(enough said already)
where'd the links go?
Dont think that severing a relationship is the way to take! I agree that things maynot be the way they used to be. But there was some reason you came together in the first place.
Guess talking it out (which people dont do anymore) would help, but then thats jus a personal opinion!
AUSTY-my exploits with html:-/ donno where it went. donno why its vanished.
GREY SHADES-the context you are referring to is different methinks. i was talking about a relationship where two ppl had taken two different paths and as a result of those different paths emerged as too different for there to ever be a point of reconciliation. and i was also referring to people like u know who, with whom i think i made a conscious effort (my 50%)to keep the friendship going. and perhaps even L. remb u told u'd tried to keep in touch with her but she never met u halfway? u gave up trying after that didnt u?
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