I hope this does someone some good....

Don't Quit

"When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you're trudging seems all up hill.
When funds are low and the debts are high.
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh.
When care is pressing you down a bit.
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a failure turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out:

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt.
And you never can tell how close you are.
It may be near when it seems so far:
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit
It's when things seem worst that you must not QUIT.

Author Unknown

Rain always makes me thoughtful. Rain is when I invariably remember the kind of person I hoped I’d be.

I love the feel of the cool breeze blowing through my hair. And I always scurry to the kitchen to make myself a cup of hot chocolate. There’s something about hot chocolate and rainy days that gives me the snug feeling of being back in the Enid Blyton (read childhood) days.

It’s a standing joke at home and nobody comments about it anymore.So, last night it rained really hard. There was a sudden bust and suddenly the current had gone. And the thunder!! I’d almost forgotten what thunder sounded like.

We used to make up stories about rain as kids. My sis and I. I insisted it was God taking a shower. But what about the thunder? He was jumping... same like we did in the shower. And the lightning? I could never explain that.

Stupid! It’s God punishing the sinners.

Why?

Cos he told Noah. It’s to remind us to be good.

My sis had already started attending Sunday classes. She used to make up a lot of other tales about rain. Like the one about the chickens...

You know the drop of water that plops up when rain falls on water? The chicks play with that.

Really?

Yeah. Jus keep quiet and watch. If you open your mouth, the spell will break. Don’t blink your eyes.

And I always sat by the window straining my eyes. It never occurred to me that she might have lied. What a gull!

And my dad... I was scared of the dark. And invariably, heavy rains in Kerala those days, were accompanied by “current” failure. And while I sat trembling with fear, he taught me this little rhyme that I hum to myself even to this day!

It is a stupid little rhyme really:

“ Light-ay light-ay wekam waa
Wettam kataan wekam waa”

Translated, it means :

Light, light come fast
To show us light, come fast"!!

Nobody else but me could have EVER believed in a rhyme lathat!What's more, he even taught me the actions to accompany it. And I would chant it relentlessly till it drove everybody else mad.

And when the electricity finally came, I was ecstatic. My dad used to pretend along with me. And seeing my joy, mom and sis would join in. I’d be the heroine. It was my chanting, my magic spell that had brought back the light to my world.

What happy days those were... How big the world seemed and yet how secure. Everything was to be believed. And everybody. I think I’ve always carried that gullibility along with me. That child-like belief that the people I love will never lie to me.

I bristled whenever people asked me to grow up. Having read a lot more than the average person my age, I always thought of myself as a very big girl, indeed. But vicarious suffering never adds up to the real thing. I know that now. And I am glad I do.

But really, what is it about rain that rakes up this curious feeling of yearning? A yearning for days lost, days lived, days that never imagined they'd be remembered so fondly...

Suddenly, I'm feeling old. Ancient.

Peering in, you tear the web apart
With bare hands.

Creeping crawling, you stare
At the horde I’ve laid aside.

Take your face off mine .
You are better off on the outside.

Winters come, winters go,
And the days, they gather slow .

A little warmth would be so nice;
But the hearth is smashed and the fire has died.

Then, when the birds had come and gone,
she smiled wanly
and put it away-
the old dreams, the old ways.

She gathered them in a bunch
and tied the knot
exclaiming
“It is finished.”

Slowly, life returns,
resumes patterns;
Known days and known ways
in familiar terrain.

Slowly, the winter breaks
and thaws;
The heart grows roots,
and finds comfort in staid days.

On some days though
there is a strange visitation-
the sky darkens,
the sun is shut.

And the birds,
they confer
around the corpse
in sibilant whispers.

Run, run from the birds
before they pick you out.
Run, run when you see the birds
gathering in the sky.

Run, run lest you fly with them-
just a black, black bird
hovering in the sky.
Run.

I tried looking at life from two points of view today:

From outside in
From inside out

And it felt EXACTLY the same. Pondered about it in between bucketfuls of work.

I didn’t want to think about it, but then, when a thought lodges itself in your head, you need to get it out, or it simply won’t go away. And the only way to get it out is to errr…pick on it.

I’d say that a thought stuck in your head is just about as irritating as food getting stuck in between your teeth!!!!Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww? Well yeah, precisely….

And it’s even more…irritating (??) when you simply can’t put your finger on the matter. You brood and then you brood some more, and yet at the end of all that brooding, you don’t really know what it was/is that you were/are brooding about. And yet, it leaves you drained. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

And you can almost touch that black cloud (or is it halo??) hanging around your head, but not quite. You almost know what the matter is, but then again, not really. And yet it grates against your soul (I hate that word)

But while driving back home stoned from working too hard and eating too little, falling asleep on the wheel, almost running down people and getting cursed, getting smirks that actually meant “Women Drivers!!!” but feeling like today I simply couldn’t care less, I had my moment of ‘insight’ (hate that word too).

Outside in/inside out… it is all the same. Moot-point being, (a) Is there any difference between standing outside a locked house and looking in through the window, and (b) standing inside a locked house and looking out through the window?

There’s a lot to do. My mind is flooded with invisible ‘post-it’ notes, reams and reams of ‘to do’ lists. Seems like 24 hours simply won’t suffice to do it all.

And yet, even as I hurry burry through my daily tasks, there’s this insistent little brat that keeps prodding at my innards. Asking that I attend, and attend NOW. I listen. She falls silent.I ignore her and begin again. And again, she whispers.

It’s been going on these last couple of days. This game of hide and seek.She wants me to probe. Wants me to indulge her, ferret it out of her. Like a new lover would ferret it out of his new love. But hey! I am NOT a new lover. We go back for a long while now. We have history!

If women are this irritating, I TOTALLY understand all those women-bashing forwards!!

“What is it,” I ask, slightly angry by now.

She is put off by the impatience in my voice. I am met with stony, stubborn silence. A pout, a sulk, a turning in of lips, a frown. How hypersensitive can she get!!

I turn away exasperated, and she nudges me again. Invisibly, she prods. She doesn’t nag. She makes herself so present simply by being there. Just standing in a corner and watching me silently. I can see the judgment in her eyes. And the more I ignore her, the more irritated I get.

I shake her. She turns away.She’s a spoilt kid. That’s what. Talk about sparing the rod and spoiling the child!! I will NOT indulge you. I will NOT think. Bah!

Happy High!

I promise to put up my speech in the next post....or at least bits of it that will make sense to my audience....a lot of it was specific to the nature of the job and the organisation....and it MIGHT be a kinda give-away and a threat to my anonymity! So, please to be excusing....Also, it was to a solely Christian-women audience, so I doubt many of the references would make sense...may seem rather esoteric...but I'll put it up for what it's worth on the next post...

But!!!!!! I am bursting with excitement, so here I am to spill!I am so *gulp* excited!!!My April trip has been extended right upto May. And I am FINALLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY travelling to the North-East. Never thought my boss would EVER EVER EVER agree to it, but he has! And that too, so shortly after my last trip.Yaay!Yaay!Yaay!

Did I mention already that I love the way 2006 is shaping up??!?!?!:)Oh yeah....I think I've mentioned ut at least half a dozen times.

Two, I am going to Cal for one of my bestest buddies wedding...it's a wedding I dreamed about....I mean I dreamt that she'd be marrying somebody and she actually IS, so I am feeling quite god-motherly about all of this!!*giggle* Oh, not to mention that I've always wanted to be in Cal. I am told that it's got an old-world charm that the rest of the Indian cities can't compete against. And I absolutely love all things old-world *dreamy sigh*

Three, I've got such warm-hearted compliments for my latest story in the magazine that my NGO sends out. And for the photographs :)*dreamy sigh* I love my job! Or have I said that a 100 times already??:-O

Four, something that's been giving me concern is finally cleared up and I feel so light-hearted and free, it makes me almost giddy!

Five, am most excited about meeting my sponsored child too on the coming trip! *muah* My little mouse with an owl's face :)

I must call up the project to find out what she'll like...how tall she is etc etc.In the last pic, she looked taller than me! And she's only ten!!I am gonna look forward to shopping for her!! Please give me suggestions! I thought I'd get her some colouring books..water colours...a nice girlie bag with loadsa fancy clips and all that. But honestly, what do little girls of 10 like the most??

The only thing I liked while I was growing up was..... books, books and more books. But somehow, I doubt that a little village girl is gonna be too excited by something like that! HEY! I GOT A FAB IDEA!!!What about a cooking set?!?!!?

Hmmm....but then aagain... she probably does REAL cooking, so she won't be too excited at the prospect of getting mini vessels.Also, I might be giving her the wrong message and actually telling her that it's only proper for little girls to want to cook. I might be helping to indulge stereotypes! *brrrrrrrrrrr* I don't wanna be accountable for something like that!

Hhmmmm....maybe a really fancy pencil box?Or maybe vegetable-fruit-heart shaped erasers that smell good and look REALLY fancy? I remember I always had a fancy for pretty and expensive things. Maybe, I should indulge the same vice in her!

Or maybe a nice school bag?I remember when I was growing up those stuffed-toy kinda looking school bags were much in vogue...my folks refused to get it cos they said I was a very careless child and that I needed sturdy stuff. So, I always had those ugly looking Duckback and Bata Bags. Made of canvas. UGH!!!!! And then, when I came to the 6th, I got a really cool looking denim bag from Bombay Dyeing....come to think of it, THAT would be a good gift, eh??

Oh dear....I do hope my finances will be looking slightly more hopeful by then.....I so do wanna pamper her but pampering people can be a very costly affair :(

P.S. I know SOMEBODY tagged me.....I promise I will do that tag shortly.

Such a tight feeling in my chest, I think I am going to burst. I gave a speech for women’s day at my organization. They loved it…so much that they’ve asked for copies of it! The topic was quite fascinating and something I didn’t find too difficult, cos my alter ego has been preoccupied with it currently on the ‘other’ blog. A lot of what I wrote was in fact taken from that blog. At least the ideas were.

I was scared I’d be asking for trouble cos I was questioning many conventional and perhaps ingrained ideas. But I am ashamed to say that I underestimated my colleagues. They were an awesome audience and were so responsive, it was such a pleasure….

But that’s not the issue today. The issue is…I have this tight feeling in my chest. A feeling of breathless excitement. A feeling that there’s something momentous around the corner…or is that just my heart’s desire? Something is stirring up on the inside. Something I’d forgotten. Something that comes feeling so pure, so clean, I am quailing at the possibilities ahead. A mixture of irrepressible excitement, a tinge of anticipation, a dollop of fear…

S is amused at how I have been giggling too often these days. She is right. I do break out into giggles ever too often. But why oh why oh WHY?!?!??!?!

This morning I sat down to pray and couldn’t…. I giggled before God too and said “Please God, please, please, please.” Remembered just in time to add, “But let Your will be done.”

*sigh* I am going crazy. That’s it. Stark raving mad. I want! I want! I want!

I am feeling so many things at once; I am having trouble keeping pace with my feelings.

Today is one of those days.

You know when your soul is like a leaf that’s falling off a high, high tree...?

Swirling-falling ever so gently? Down, down, down...

And you don’t know where it’s gonna alight, but you do KNOW that it’s gonna be someplace nice? You are free falling through all space. You are endless. And it feels SO right.

From my airy heights, I can see this calm stream. Not so calm to be boring though. It’s gurgling and sunlight-y. It looks like it might have a story to tell. It looks as though, in spite of all its exuberance, it’s been places. Done stuff. The airy realms have a charm that the water can never quite comprehend.

But when you think about it, they both have a lot in common. You simply have to let go. Be swept along.

I am silently making a prayer that I’ll land in the water, and “be swept along”. Gently. I know its gonna leap and jump, especially when it reaches those high places. But it’s ok to fall, when you are gonna fall back into endlessness. It IS a win-win situation either way.

Right now though, I am loving being a leaf. Loving looking at the world from my vantage point. Without anything to hold me back. As free as the air, I am floating in.

It’s so easy to ignore the clouds and the shadows. When you can trust the air and the water to look after you. When you can just trust, and just fall.Maybe, I should practice being a leaf more often!!

What a beautiful world we live in! What an absolutely marvelous life!

On the Previous Post

So!

What I answered was:

1) Setu, simply cos I can't find any sane reason (forgetting all definitions of morality or immorality) for raping someone.

2) Ravi, for not sticking up for Rani when she was going through an experience that definitely would not have been pleasant for her.

3) Vivek, for not being a good enough friend to accompany Rani (After all, a friend in need is a friend indeed)

4) Rani, for getting her cheap thrill on seeing erstwhile lover for being beaten up (But then, I suupose when you have been terribly in love and seen that your love was missplaced, your immediate reaction is to be hurt by it. And my suspicion is that Rani was more hurt by Ravi's treachery than Setu's cos after all, Ravi was the reason she'd gotten into all this in the first place)

5) Dilip could have done with more brain power and less brawn power but well, he's the Big Moose Kind...don't think anything he did was premeditated or malicious.

But the point is, there are no right or wrong answers. Not that there are no ways of defining morality. I think it's a bit hypocritical to say that...cos however cool it sounds, the point is that we all have ways of defining right and wrong, however subjective it may be.

The fact that people give such different answers only tell more about them than any of the characters. It's just a self-assessment thing to make you question yourself on why you think the way you do.

But the learnings were many:

For instance, most men( and some women too, to be fair) in the workshop had problems with Rani cos (a) they felt she asked for it (b)they felt she should have chosen death over dishonour (c) she dressed attractively. (d) they didn't think that if she was given the choice of jumping into the crocodile river, it amounted to rape.(e) some of them didn't even think of what happened as being 'rape'.

Just some of the very same accusations that a rape victim does deal with.

I'd say to (a) If you've been in love, you'll know that you are capable of incredible stupidity but that does not necessarily make one a person without values or morals. (b) I really pitied the wives of the men who said that...and I think it's so unfair that women are subjected to such strong stereotypes (The Sati-savithri-Sita syndrome) Honestly, would a guy who was being raped by a woman do that? Would a man find fault with another MAN who chose sex (unwanted though it was) over death??Why is it that a woman's "honour" is so much more precious to men than their OWN!??!?!?!? (c)this one was quite interesting cos most men equated attractive with 'provocative'. This in turn raised up questions of what exactly 'provocative' meant. Which dress could a girl wear that could not be termed provocative. Cos V, the guy who was handling the workshop said he was'provoked' by women in salwars and sarees, so did that make them immoral?? So, did provocative lie in the eyes of the beholder??(d) Is choice between the devil and the deep sea, really a choice? (e) What does one say here??

Anyways, I guess the point of the workshop was to address men's attitude to women like Rani. So, the 'wrong' answer was actually people who judged Rani for getting raped and treating her not as someone who'd got a raw deal but as someone who was guilty for what she had gone through.

The horrid bit where we had to sing songs about *ahem* I shall save for another day when I am feeling a tad bolder!