Confessions
K, I've been terrible today. Really nasty, really vicious. snapped head off everybody.
yelled at maid and almost made her cry.
fought with pastor.
fought with folks over phone.
blocked 6 people on msn.
lied to an aunt that i was taking my bath and would call back. didn't.
didn't pick up 3 calls and didn't call back.
didn't reply to hald the messages i got today.
fought with my sis when she called asking me to come visit her. told her a lot of nasty stuff. told her she didnt care anymore for the family since she became a smug married. she cried, i cried, and i don't care. i didn't call back.
am feeling pissed off. angry. with myself. with life. with my past, my present and what i think my future is gonna be.
i wish people would never come in if they were destined to leave in the first place. bullshit, you have a choice. you don't. it's like being asked to choose between the devil and the deep sea. eitherways, you are gonna get hurt. but maybe if you choose to flounder in the deep sea, you can save your soul. maybe.
no certainties here.just maybes.
am so angry it's almost palpable. ugh!!!i hate! i hate! i hate!
what now? nothing. just gray, drab life. my computer screen. maybe, eliot. my watery pomes. my illusions.my delusions.me.
someday, i know it'll all be alright. someday, all this heart-ache and all this pain won't matter. i need to get out of here. i've lived here all my life. i need a change now. S says to apply for scholarships. maybe, not doing it is cowardice. would rather not fail than have tried and live with the feeling that i wasn't good enough.
don't we all need our poor, stupid delusions?
oh God, there better be some lesson worth having learnt in all of this. i know am all alone in this. absolutely alone. nobody will understand my truth, our truth. nobody will understand how you are more real to me than reality itself. nor will they know that the only reason i am alive today is cos of that one hour i spend with u. and i don't try to ram it down others' throats...jus don't get it when i am expected to ram your non-existence down mine.
yelled at maid and almost made her cry.
fought with pastor.
fought with folks over phone.
blocked 6 people on msn.
lied to an aunt that i was taking my bath and would call back. didn't.
didn't pick up 3 calls and didn't call back.
didn't reply to hald the messages i got today.
fought with my sis when she called asking me to come visit her. told her a lot of nasty stuff. told her she didnt care anymore for the family since she became a smug married. she cried, i cried, and i don't care. i didn't call back.
am feeling pissed off. angry. with myself. with life. with my past, my present and what i think my future is gonna be.
i wish people would never come in if they were destined to leave in the first place. bullshit, you have a choice. you don't. it's like being asked to choose between the devil and the deep sea. eitherways, you are gonna get hurt. but maybe if you choose to flounder in the deep sea, you can save your soul. maybe.
no certainties here.just maybes.
am so angry it's almost palpable. ugh!!!i hate! i hate! i hate!
what now? nothing. just gray, drab life. my computer screen. maybe, eliot. my watery pomes. my illusions.my delusions.me.
someday, i know it'll all be alright. someday, all this heart-ache and all this pain won't matter. i need to get out of here. i've lived here all my life. i need a change now. S says to apply for scholarships. maybe, not doing it is cowardice. would rather not fail than have tried and live with the feeling that i wasn't good enough.
don't we all need our poor, stupid delusions?
oh God, there better be some lesson worth having learnt in all of this. i know am all alone in this. absolutely alone. nobody will understand my truth, our truth. nobody will understand how you are more real to me than reality itself. nor will they know that the only reason i am alive today is cos of that one hour i spend with u. and i don't try to ram it down others' throats...jus don't get it when i am expected to ram your non-existence down mine.
posted by Rapunzel at 10:40 pm
12 Comments:
Big Huge Warm Tight Hug!
Yes, it's me!
:-|
silent support. why dint u tell me all this yday?
heck i wish i was with u right now. cause words dont help...or say anything at all
So much rage... you were better when chopping my head off, I think.
May you find peace.
:-| thanks.....wish, so so do so so much :((
ESTE MISERIA-no words.absolutely none.
FIRST RAIN-i already know all the answers.i am clever chile. time is the answer for everything.
Please get back to the man-eater we all love.
I need you to get back to it more than you I guess ! Damn all ex-es. Everyone tells me time is the only way, but does it have to take so long ?
Hope you are feeling better today, dearie.
Aargh.. ex-boyfriends! Evilness personified! And I can so totally empathise with what you wrote, only I didn't just confine my unhappiness to a blog.. I wrote him a rather vitriolic mail, which, yah, I kinda regret now :) Oh well, EVIL!!!!
*hugssss*.....hey.. what say.. we go eat icecream, get pedicures, watch movies, have long talks over coffee and go walkies...
see!! i moved for a reason!!
No fear,
No pity
And definitely
No regrets
Cheers *hic*
As long as I'm here, there's till hope :)
hehe...
No fear,
No pity
And definitely
No regrets
Cheers *hic*
As long as I'm here, there's still hope :)
hehe...
hope you are feeling better by now
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