People who once mattered

S is humming the tune of “ Leaving on a jet plane.” There’s something about it that suits my mood…weird coincidence, what?? Over the weekend, I’ve been thinking about someone who once mattered. The number of ‘people who once mattered’ (and now don’t)…the list grows longer by the day. My reflections have convinced me that it’s probably not they who are wrong but me.

Why is it that the people who matter the most inevitably find their way into the other list? Why is it that the relationships I feel most intensely about…almost always burn themselves out? And why is it that the ‘balanced’ relationships don’t seem worth the while? Am I addicted to intensity?

I am almost convinced that I am totally incapable of having a normal relationship with anybody. And I’ve been trying to put my fingers on the reason…and I think it’s cos I expect too much? Also…I think I love too much and yet too less.

There are very few people who find their way into my world. I am cautious. And yet, contradictorily enough, too trusting. I peer, pry, prod, analyze, label people and put them away into neatly labeled packages…manage to keep them at an arm’s distance. Those are the acquaintances…the long-lasting relationships that I can pick up over coffee any day and lay aside as easily. They are functional and functioning.

But there are the others with whom I have an almost instantaneous ‘connection’. The very few that I accept as ‘friends’ (read family). Somehow, these people are never subjected to scrutiny. Almost always, they find their way to my heart through some shortcut instead of through my head like everybody else. I love them almost instantly, would die for them if need be, and would go any lengths to do anything for them.

But the horrid part is, in loving them so much, I expect the same from them and am shattered when I don’t see it coming. And then I go into door-mat mode, making leeway for one hurt after another, never letting them know when I am hurt, allowing them to take me for granted cos I wanna avoid the conflict, bottling up one injustice (perceived or real) after another, one lapse after another…

And then one fine day, some little thing happens when I say enough, cut them out of my life, harden myself and then go through the process of making believe that they never mattered anyways. Knowing all the while that it’s a lie but a necessary one. And the other person is left wondering what happened and why and where things went wrong.

I am tired. With myself. With my inability to sustain any relationship. A friend once suggested that instead of loving a few people so intensely, maybe I should try loving more people more evenly. Wish I could do that. Wish middle-ground didn’t seem such an impossible place.

I know someone else who is like that in her relationships. My mom. And I don’t wanna grow disappointed with the world like her. Expect the worst from others. I don’t want the best advice I give my 7-year old daughter to be “Keep everybody at an arm’s distance.” I don’t want my favorite pearl of wisdom to be “familiarity breeds contempt.”

I don’t want to have to keep adding to my list of ‘people who once mattered’.