Watered by Water

It’s been a year since I went into the waters. It’s been a year since I was dunked in backwards. It’s been a year since I shivered in the hot sun, trembling and yet confident. It’s been a year since I buried my past. It’s been a year since something new has begun on the inside of me…

Something fresh, something new, something that gives me a reason to keep on living, something that whispers gently to me when everything inside me insists that there’s nothing worth living for. Something so quiet, something so gentle, it’s hard to believe how a restless, anxious person like me hasn’t overlooked it yet.

Something that changes me day by day, pointing out my faults, convicting me of my shortcomings and then when I feel miserable and guilty, embraces me in warmth that says, “Cheer up. There’s always a next time to get it right.”

Something that is most with me when I am most upset, Something that pulls me back or catches me when I throw myself off the cliff deliberately in my desperation. Something that says, “Hush now,” and holds me warmly and gently…just holds me while I cry it all out and when my sobs have settled, soothes me with hope, strokes me with love, pampers me with promises.

I am still so full of faults that it’s easy to get discouraged. But I know I will become better by and by. I know the change since last year. It’s a good change. I like myself better this way. And I know that there will be more changes the next year. From glory to glory, I know I’ll be led by this Something on the inside of me.

I remember asking God why it was that I, who believed in Him, had such a difficult time overcoming my past, overcoming my pain. I looked at others who had faced similar situations. They had overcome it and I was the only one struggling.

And here I was doing the so called ‘right’ thing and yet feeling so much more wrong than any of them, who overcame the pain by the so called ‘wrong’ ways. And I didn’t know why…didn’t know why my pain was so prolonged…why couldn’t I overlook it too?

It seemed easier, so much easier to lean on someone’s shoulder, anyone’s shoulder rather than fighting it on my own. Even if the relationship never worked out at least, I’d have gotten over the old, bigger pain…everybody is doing it, why can’t I, I asked.

But, I am glad that the Something on the inside of me didn’t allow me to. I am glad I lived through the pain, painful day by painful day cos now I know that you have to “Press Past the Pain”, and that the “only way to get past the pain, is to live THROUGH it.”

And I agree too that sometimes even when you DO the thing that you KNOW is right, it can still make you FEEL WRONG. I agree.

I hope…I hope I’ll be born again every single day. And I pray that this surge of strength will continue, that I will bury the old day every night. And that I might have the strength to continue to do the right thing, even if I feel wrong, even if I feel jaded, even if I feel ancient and miserable. Cos I know that feelings can lie. I know that the feelings are deceptive, a fake image, a cheap, misleading imitation of the Something on the inside of me.

Better times are ahead. How do I know? Cos there’s Something on the inside of me that tells me so.