!!!

A public ad campaign by the Church at Singapore. Naturally, it had millions flocking back to church. LOL!! Loved the one about Simon and Garfunkel in particular.

*sniff* Ain't He adorable???

*blush again* 

*sniff* 

*blush* 

Erich von Danniken, you listening?? 

Always knew He loved irony! 

The best things in life are free? 

awww again! 

Hmm... 

Tee Hee! 

Awwww.....! 

Public ad campaign for God! 

Ecclesiastes 3

I've been looking through my 7th standard diary!!! LOL!!! And it amazed me to find that my dreams are half-way coming true. I wanted to be a social worker!!!! I didn't even remember my old passion till I came across that book....

I think when we are young, we divine the truth much more easily...we trust our intuition....the ugly face of reason has not yet raised it's head....we have foresight because our eyes are clear. We see the future much more clearly, much more deeply. And then we forget those lessons...and then, we learn them again.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal.... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to love and a time to hate...

I have seen the burden God has laid on men.He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

Isn't it funny how silly we are. Puny, silly creatures and we think we know it all. Call God names. And think we are being smart...bet He's laughing at us...at our puny attempts to comprehend him with our puny "understanding."

What children we are...to think that just cos we don't "get Him", He isn't there. We most defy what we know deep down....or rather, what we fear deep down, could be right. Especially cos the truth could be hard. As truth always is.

This is a peace of sorts. There is a time for everything. And until then, all we an do is live. As best as we know how. As best as we KNOW how. And the KNOWING is wordless. It's deep down inside.

Confessions

K, I've been terrible today. Really nasty, really vicious. snapped head off everybody.

yelled at maid and almost made her cry.
fought with pastor.
fought with folks over phone.
blocked 6 people on msn.
lied to an aunt that i was taking my bath and would call back. didn't.
didn't pick up 3 calls and didn't call back.
didn't reply to hald the messages i got today.
fought with my sis when she called asking me to come visit her. told her a lot of nasty stuff. told her she didnt care anymore for the family since she became a smug married. she cried, i cried, and i don't care. i didn't call back.

am feeling pissed off. angry. with myself. with life. with my past, my present and what i think my future is gonna be.

i wish people would never come in if they were destined to leave in the first place. bullshit, you have a choice. you don't. it's like being asked to choose between the devil and the deep sea. eitherways, you are gonna get hurt. but maybe if you choose to flounder in the deep sea, you can save your soul. maybe.

no certainties here.just maybes.

am so angry it's almost palpable. ugh!!!i hate! i hate! i hate!

what now? nothing. just gray, drab life. my computer screen. maybe, eliot. my watery pomes. my illusions.my delusions.me.

someday, i know it'll all be alright. someday, all this heart-ache and all this pain won't matter. i need to get out of here. i've lived here all my life. i need a change now. S says to apply for scholarships. maybe, not doing it is cowardice. would rather not fail than have tried and live with the feeling that i wasn't good enough.

don't we all need our poor, stupid delusions?

oh God, there better be some lesson worth having learnt in all of this. i know am all alone in this. absolutely alone. nobody will understand my truth, our truth. nobody will understand how you are more real to me than reality itself. nor will they know that the only reason i am alive today is cos of that one hour i spend with u. and i don't try to ram it down others' throats...jus don't get it when i am expected to ram your non-existence down mine.

S and me have been talking. About men. Or rather, the lack of them in our lives. She thinks it’s gotta do with the place we are in.

Minutes of our discussion over lunch-session in the last few weeks:

· The ‘macho’ guys are jerks.
· Or dopeheads.
· Or wannabes.

· The ‘nice’ ones are wuss
· Or colourless
· Or can’t ever really let go of mama’s apron strings.

Or they are dumb.

· The intelligent ones are Warped.
· Or so intelligent that they are misfits and really belong to a museum showcase than out walking and talking in the world.

· The ones who earn money are techie and nerdy.
· The artsy guys are fake.
· Or so ‘with it’ that they lose their sense of balance and think the ‘yo’ thing to do is to smoke up and be ‘with it’.
· Or give pseudo-intellectual bullshit on why ‘free love’ is okay. (Damn, can’t they even be original?)

End of lunch-session we finally ask ourselves the gut-wrenching, hopeless question, “Where are the sensible, balanced men?”

“ They don’t exist,” I say glumly scanning my mind for ONE man who’d fit the bill. And silently add to myself as an afterthought… “Or, they are hiding.”

“How do we bring them out?” I wonder.

“No the question is how do we bring out the right ones,”

“Yes, I agree,” I say. “The wrong ones are only too willing to agree.”

“That’s your fault,” she says. “ You are much too naïve. You look like you were born yesterday and you look like you are easy game.”

Me makes a mental note to go practice my “I’m-a-b****-so-don’t-you-dare-mess-with-me” look.

“REALLY NOW??” I ask astonished and eager to hear this out cos S can be very, very forthright. And I wanna hear the truth about me. Also, S has this way of looking at things from a guy’s perspective and I am eager to hear what she has to say.

She continues thoughtfully, “You always look so lost”.

Me makes a mental note to go practice my “I’m-a-big-girl-so-don’t-you-dare-mess-with-me” pout.

“Lost? Like how? Like I am in my own world?

“No, not quite like that” she says and I perk up my ears. “Well,” she says scanning my face, “The problem is you are all ‘eyes’. And when you are disturbed (which is almost always) they become so wide that you seem to be screaming “help” silently.”

AH HA!!!

~*~*~*~*~UNIQUE~*~*~*~*~You are different. You're the type of person that
is easily spotted in a crowd. You have a
radiant personality. You probably go through a
lot of mood swings from happy to lonely, angry
to sad, loving to spiteful, and so on. Be aware
that your sudden change in personality may
offend some people. People like to be around
you because you are genuine and relaxed. You
seem at peace with yourself and you give off
that "what you see is what you get"
vibe. That's a good thing because your general
audience will feel relaxed and at ease knowing
that they too can be themselves with out having
to worry. Try not to judge others on their
appearance. It's not nice. Over all you're a
spirited person who enjoys having a good time!
Good for you! :o)
Please Rate or message me! Thank you for taking my
quiz! XoXo <3>
You're Beautiful...but why? ( PICS)

Page 1 ;-)

She walked through the bazaars that morning, imagining that life had begun anew. It’s a new world she told herself. A brand new life. She closed her eyes for a moment and breathed deep. Then conjured up an image of a brand new notebook.

She turned the corner of the street and went into the smaller by-lanes. And still the deep down joy…the same joy she used to feel years ago when she started a new book.

Clean. White as snow, she’d tell herself. Smelling fresh and new as only a brand new notebook can. She’d breathe deep, holding her breath. Then letting go….slowly. Breathe deep again. Relishing the clean new smell. Ignoring daddy as he laughed at her excitement.

First page. First line. How she’d write painstakingly and neatly for the first few days. Taking extra special care to keep THIS book neat. Without a blot, without a single blot. But then, in spite of all that care, something would happen. Her pen would leak or she’d smudge her letters. And then, then the whole book would be sullied.

Her heart would sink. Not this too, she’d think. And then, it’d be replaced by a hard feeling. “I don’t care, I don’t care anymore about anything.”

The clean, pure feeling, the care with which she’d written, she’d throw it all away. She’d start scrawling savagely. Cos it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore. The book was spoilt. Just like all the others.

Faith-less?

Shaky faith today. But I am holding on and holding out. I can’t quit just like that…This is battle.

Whoever said faith was escapism, really has NO clue what they are talking about. Why do people think that faith is this escape clause that the weak-hearted turn to? Do they realize just how DIFFICULT faith is? That it’s actually a killing of your ‘self’ day by day? That it’s actually so much easier not to believe, to do your own thing and forget about Authority?

I think it’s because most people equate faith with blind belief…but someone with faith would tell you that it’s not really blind belief. Nor is it about believing something. Faith is believing in the Ultimate. Or rather, believing in the ultimate IN SPITE of the fact that sometimes, there is NOTHING to validate that belief. There is no such thing as half-way belief. It has to be all or nothing.

In fact, that’s what makes it so difficult. It’s something inside of you that you cannot really explain…it’s about carrying a truth so profound and when people question it, the best you can offer is “I can't explain. YOU have to experience it.”

And to keep on saying it amidst the sarcastic rejoinders and quizzical looks… To keep on believing even when circumstances challenge your faith. To keep on fighting for it when you have no reason to offer except, “ I know.” To keep on holding it when people turn their backs on you saying, “She has turned weird…”To keep holding on to it even when people laugh at you and pity you saying “Poor thing…she has to believe something…” Tell me, which part of that is easy?

Getting faith is not so difficult. Anybody can believe…it’s keeping the faith in spite of contradictory circumstances that is the real trial, the real battle. ‘Cos human beings as a race are trained to reason. All our natural inclinations are to believe in what we see, to ‘understand’ what lies right before our eyes….

I think, faith is probably the hardest thing to keep in this world of ours that demands proofs, and makes reasoning their god. And the more ‘intelligent’ you are, the more difficult faith is…For how do you account for the fact that you can still believe something that you cannot account for? How ‘intelligent’ is that? See what I mean?

Faith is not easy. Faith is a conflict, a daily surrender, a daily death, a daily reawakening.

Not believing is so much easier than believing….cos when you believe, you are accountable. For every deed, for every word, you know there is someone that you’ll have to account to. How is THAT escapism? You willingly CHOOSE to circumscribe your ‘freedom’…how easy is that?

Isn’t not believing the escapist bit? I mean, if you don’t believe, you are NOT accountable. You don’t carry with you the cross of responsibility. You can simply live life on your own terms…be your own master or mistress…maybe that’s why a lot of people don’t believe? They are afraid that once they do…their life will never be the same again? That they can no more do a lot of the ‘fun’ things that was ok THEN but is not ok NOW.

That’s another thing about faith…once you choose to believe, there is a ‘then’ and ‘now’. An ‘after’ and ‘before’ story. You change. And when you do, your whole world changes. The people you hang out with, the things you do, even the way you think.

It is an inner change that you cannot really account for…a cleansing that makes it difficult for you to return to the ‘before’ bit even if you wanted to. Truly, that can’t be easy for people? I mean given a chance, even doormats would like to dominate…who would WANT to be under authority? Especially an authority that does NOT promise an easy deal…

And they say it’s easy.

Updates from the tower;-)

And then, there’s the discovery this morning. The sun that filters in through my un-curtained windows wakes me up at a half-past six every morning. So this morning, I lay awake for a while, relishing the feel of “half an hour more before I gotta get up.” Isn’t it awesome? When you wake up and you know you can lie down for SOME more time?? :p

And then, I ventured a peep outta the tower just to check out who was around. All alone.. I am. And it’s pure and fresh and invigorating. Like placing a cube of ice on your tongue and the feeling is raw and pure all at once?

Yeah….just like that.

I don’t have any rules to abide by but my own. I could live like this forever and ever. Everything and everybody, every relationship is so futile. So silly. A chasing after the wind as Solomon said all that while ago.

And the strange bit is how comforting that thought actually is! The best bit on a day like this is that I don’t NEED anybody. I can soar…. like a kite in the wind…. free and yet moored. And it will never be a lost kite until the owner lets go. And my owner won’t. Of that, I am certain. And the trip isn’t lonely. On the contrary, it’s exhilarating. I can explore all I like for however long I like and the discoveries won’t ever stop.

But then again, sometimes, it’s easy to cross over to the other side. To let go of ‘balance. From extremely sensitive and volatile, I’d like to think I’ve reached middle ground NOW. But one step more and I might well keel over to the other side. Become cold. Angry. Old.

It’s amazing just how cold your heart can grow after a while. After it’s been torn and healed over and over, it’s truly amazing how you can cease to feel. Sometimes, I can almost feel that fear gripping me…like last night when it suddenly struck me that never again would I say of anybody, “ I can’t live without him”. Or, “I can’t live without her.”

‘Cos I can. I know I can. And cutting off and cutting away is only all too easy. It doesn’t even hurt anymore. And I can keep on going like they never existed. And I am scared that this isn’t about emotional independence or strength anymore…..it just might be about being cold. And selfish.
Darn!! I really need some agape!!!! :-O