If there's one Bible character that I identify with, it's Jonah. Jonah had the rather dubious reputation of running away from God when God called him to do a task. And God had to hound him and bring him to a point where he had nobody to turn to BUT God himself.

Jonah was swallowed whole by a whale and stayed in its stomach for three days... a rather wonderful precedent, and prophetic of the way Jesus himself would stay in the tomb for three days until His final resurrection.

Anyways, to go back to Jonah… I always smile to myself when I read the book of Jonah, because he seems so childish. The way he throws temper tantrums at God's perceived injustices. And each time, he threw a temper tantrum, God would gently chide him and bring him back.
Though the Bible never puts it that way, I've always thought that if Jonah lacked one thing, it was spiritual stability. Maybe, with time, he did get it but the Bible does not record that. It's just the roller-coaster aspect of Jonah's spiritual life that it records, so that people like ME can take heart!!

Today, I threw a temper tantrum at God. I mean, literally. After a rather sleepless, disturbed night, I woke up for my usual quiet time, bent down to kneel and then fell on my back instead and proceeded to behave like a brat. I rolled on my back from one side of the bed to the other crying and asking "Is there any point in WHY you are putting me through all this?Is there some lesson I am supposed to learn here? Why won't you at least tell what your huge idea behind all this is?"

I know that sounds very childish, dramatic and maybe even funny. In retrospect, it seems all of the three. But at the time, my grief was real alright. "I am NOT gonna read the Bible," I said hugging my pillow and screwing my eyes shut and proceeding to bawl. Finally, I tired myself crying and then, instead of reading my daily allotted portion, I aimlessly flipped the Bible open.
""Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?' Does your work say, 'He has no hands'?…This is what the LORD says- the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker: Concerning things to come, do you question me about my children, or give me orders about the work of my hands?"

By this time, I'd received a jolt. I sat upright and for the next one hour, Isaiah 43-46 came alive to me in a way it never had before…Some verses in particular caught my eyes first. That's why it felt like a dialogue rather than mere verses like any other day.

"I am he, I am he who will sustain you… I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you….. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.......When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD , your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior….... I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD , the God of Israel, who summons you by name….... I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say: My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please. What I have said, that will I bring about; what I have planned, that will I do."

!!!!

I still don't have answers. But I have an assurance. An assurance that when the plan is FINALLY revealed, I'll know that it is amazing, much, much more amazing than anything I could have imagined for myself….And that the Problem Solver is bigger, so much, much bigger than any of my problems.

And somehow, there's a deep down gladness that I simply cannot account for. The problems are still there, but the magnitude of the problems have been lessened in the face of the absolute skill of the Problem Solver.

(Marx called faith the 'opium' of the masses??But isn't opium supposed to blunt the force of Reality instead of making you battle-ready for reality??)

I remember hearing of someone who had "Conversations with God" and wondering what the heck it meant…feeling slightly let down even, 'cos God wasn't "speaking" to me!!But now, I know. I know that God speaks to different people in different ways. But that's not the point. The point is, He speaks! :)

P. S. One hour from now, I'm off for a long, long, while on a long, long, journey. Until then, good bye and best! *sniff* I'd love to get all senti, but then, methinks, me has run dry my senti quota for the week! *hugs* to you. yes you!!! :) We'll get the better of it all, by and by.

Thank You

I am thankful for
the little things...
the promise of each new day,
the privilege of prayer,
the warmth of company,
the one good friend, yes you grrrl *hugs* :)
the banana cake,
the good, long sleep.

I am even more thankful for
the Bigger Things...
being preserved,
being sanctified,
being justified,
being kept alive,
being patiently taught,
being taught patience.

I am so much more thankful that you are
Bigger than my mood swings,
Surer than my heart,
Clearer than my head.

Thank you most of all for...
Grace that helped me enter.
Grace that keeps me standing.
The void deep down just wide enough and just deep enough to hold you.

People who once mattered

S is humming the tune of “ Leaving on a jet plane.” There’s something about it that suits my mood…weird coincidence, what?? Over the weekend, I’ve been thinking about someone who once mattered. The number of ‘people who once mattered’ (and now don’t)…the list grows longer by the day. My reflections have convinced me that it’s probably not they who are wrong but me.

Why is it that the people who matter the most inevitably find their way into the other list? Why is it that the relationships I feel most intensely about…almost always burn themselves out? And why is it that the ‘balanced’ relationships don’t seem worth the while? Am I addicted to intensity?

I am almost convinced that I am totally incapable of having a normal relationship with anybody. And I’ve been trying to put my fingers on the reason…and I think it’s cos I expect too much? Also…I think I love too much and yet too less.

There are very few people who find their way into my world. I am cautious. And yet, contradictorily enough, too trusting. I peer, pry, prod, analyze, label people and put them away into neatly labeled packages…manage to keep them at an arm’s distance. Those are the acquaintances…the long-lasting relationships that I can pick up over coffee any day and lay aside as easily. They are functional and functioning.

But there are the others with whom I have an almost instantaneous ‘connection’. The very few that I accept as ‘friends’ (read family). Somehow, these people are never subjected to scrutiny. Almost always, they find their way to my heart through some shortcut instead of through my head like everybody else. I love them almost instantly, would die for them if need be, and would go any lengths to do anything for them.

But the horrid part is, in loving them so much, I expect the same from them and am shattered when I don’t see it coming. And then I go into door-mat mode, making leeway for one hurt after another, never letting them know when I am hurt, allowing them to take me for granted cos I wanna avoid the conflict, bottling up one injustice (perceived or real) after another, one lapse after another…

And then one fine day, some little thing happens when I say enough, cut them out of my life, harden myself and then go through the process of making believe that they never mattered anyways. Knowing all the while that it’s a lie but a necessary one. And the other person is left wondering what happened and why and where things went wrong.

I am tired. With myself. With my inability to sustain any relationship. A friend once suggested that instead of loving a few people so intensely, maybe I should try loving more people more evenly. Wish I could do that. Wish middle-ground didn’t seem such an impossible place.

I know someone else who is like that in her relationships. My mom. And I don’t wanna grow disappointed with the world like her. Expect the worst from others. I don’t want the best advice I give my 7-year old daughter to be “Keep everybody at an arm’s distance.” I don’t want my favorite pearl of wisdom to be “familiarity breeds contempt.”

I don’t want to have to keep adding to my list of ‘people who once mattered’.

Watered by Water

It’s been a year since I went into the waters. It’s been a year since I was dunked in backwards. It’s been a year since I shivered in the hot sun, trembling and yet confident. It’s been a year since I buried my past. It’s been a year since something new has begun on the inside of me…

Something fresh, something new, something that gives me a reason to keep on living, something that whispers gently to me when everything inside me insists that there’s nothing worth living for. Something so quiet, something so gentle, it’s hard to believe how a restless, anxious person like me hasn’t overlooked it yet.

Something that changes me day by day, pointing out my faults, convicting me of my shortcomings and then when I feel miserable and guilty, embraces me in warmth that says, “Cheer up. There’s always a next time to get it right.”

Something that is most with me when I am most upset, Something that pulls me back or catches me when I throw myself off the cliff deliberately in my desperation. Something that says, “Hush now,” and holds me warmly and gently…just holds me while I cry it all out and when my sobs have settled, soothes me with hope, strokes me with love, pampers me with promises.

I am still so full of faults that it’s easy to get discouraged. But I know I will become better by and by. I know the change since last year. It’s a good change. I like myself better this way. And I know that there will be more changes the next year. From glory to glory, I know I’ll be led by this Something on the inside of me.

I remember asking God why it was that I, who believed in Him, had such a difficult time overcoming my past, overcoming my pain. I looked at others who had faced similar situations. They had overcome it and I was the only one struggling.

And here I was doing the so called ‘right’ thing and yet feeling so much more wrong than any of them, who overcame the pain by the so called ‘wrong’ ways. And I didn’t know why…didn’t know why my pain was so prolonged…why couldn’t I overlook it too?

It seemed easier, so much easier to lean on someone’s shoulder, anyone’s shoulder rather than fighting it on my own. Even if the relationship never worked out at least, I’d have gotten over the old, bigger pain…everybody is doing it, why can’t I, I asked.

But, I am glad that the Something on the inside of me didn’t allow me to. I am glad I lived through the pain, painful day by painful day cos now I know that you have to “Press Past the Pain”, and that the “only way to get past the pain, is to live THROUGH it.”

And I agree too that sometimes even when you DO the thing that you KNOW is right, it can still make you FEEL WRONG. I agree.

I hope…I hope I’ll be born again every single day. And I pray that this surge of strength will continue, that I will bury the old day every night. And that I might have the strength to continue to do the right thing, even if I feel wrong, even if I feel jaded, even if I feel ancient and miserable. Cos I know that feelings can lie. I know that the feelings are deceptive, a fake image, a cheap, misleading imitation of the Something on the inside of me.

Better times are ahead. How do I know? Cos there’s Something on the inside of me that tells me so.

When people ask me if I am spiritual or materialistic, I never quite know what to say. It’s almost like the two are mutually exclusive…besides, I ain’t really sure what ‘spirituality’ means…. * sigh * there are so many versions of it these days that I am totally clueless…. And as for ‘materialism’…. Woh kya hain??

I like pretty things. Not just looking at them but possessing them!! For instance, if I had enough money, I’d love to re-design my house. Get loadsa pretty antique stuff. Fill it with crystal ware and flowers…have a beautiful garden…. throw in a fountain or two and loads of greenery…. have a nice sunny room looking out into a nice sunny lawn….a pebble path leading to a beach…I’d like nice quilts and pretty furniture…and nice, sunny crockery, pretty curtains….pretty carpets, pretty wall hangings, antiques by the dozen….

Nothing opulent. Just something pretty, cosy, a snug, quiet place I can call my own. I’d fill it up with books. All the old classics, all the old movies with popcorn and an LCD projector!!!

I’d have a nice rocking chair, a grand piano, create the old world charm…. I’d have poetry readings on the lawn in the evenings…. maybe Eliot and Shakespeare… I’d love to talk about Narnia and Tolkien and never never land…

Now, since I do not have money or the space to re-create my world, I simply have to make do with the one that has been handed over to me by my parents. Stuff that are merely functional and FAR from pretty. ‘Real’, ‘sturdy’ stuff built to handle the knocks of generations sigh ( I never can understand why pretty stuff are almost always fragile….?)

Sometimes, I content myself with shopping for pretty clothes and pretty accessories… but then, since I can’t see myself all the time, I’ve kinda figured that it’s a waste of time. So, does that make me materialistic or vice-versa??

A tells me that materialism implies mad rush for things, consumerism etc etc. and since I don’t dream money and think money, I am not materialistic….hmmmm…
But really, maybe, just maybe if I were an MBA or B.E. or whatever else the stuff that people make munny at, I’d probably have run around making it too!!

I know it doesn’t, but sometimes, I do wish money grew on trees L and all we had to do was work hard at climbing trees…cos I’d do it. I have always been rather a hard worker. Only I never seem to be inclined at working hard at the ‘right’ stuff (I mean the stuff that never would bring in munny)

Maybe, I should start…hmmm…..ugh!!! I do wish I’d buck up and write that Pulitzer-prize winning novel!! But I have this lurking suspicion…I doubt I’d be able to SUSTAIN interest even in money… its probably not having it that makes it so very attractive to me… ??