Starting from yesterday, I am officially “off” for the next three weeks. A week long conference, followed by a half month trip that’ll take me to the most rural of rural India. Yeah, I’ve stocked up on lotsa Multivitamins and Calcium, thank you.

Can't believe that the first month of 2006 has already whizzed by. Whoosh! How fast is fast, anyways? The year has been splendid for me so far.

For one, it seems to have come with a large, very large traveling bag! I haven’t really been visiting awesome places or anything like that, but the thing about traveling is…somehow, when you get back, you feel that you aren’t the same person who went on that journey.

Hyderabad for instance, showed me just how nice people can be. I don’t think I’d be exaggerating if I said that it’s the first time I felt so accepted among strangers. Course the friends I went with weren’t strangers but their families were. But I never felt that way ever.

People were so warm and accepting. They (my friends) knew everybody from every church in Hyderabad and since it was a Christian concert, it meant that they knew practically everybody. So I kept shaking hands with a whole load of people and managed to make friends with at least 10 new people in the course of just 5 days.

Also managed to get myself a stalker. Don’t ask me how I managed that. They said he was a “simple” (their polite way of saying “simple minded”) guy but he had such a funny name. Also, I’d never be able to like someone who stalked me! When we went to Pal-sing and Pings in-laws place, the in-laws were desperately trying to hook me up with the second son.

“Just watch, they’ll want to take pics,” T joked. “And then, uncle will keep R in the middle and focus on her. Then, he’ll casually mention that he wants to mail S (the son).” It happened exactly as he predicted and it was all we could do to keep a straight face and not giggle.

Saw the second son’s pic. He seemed kinda cute but came with a funny name as well. Why the HECK do Mallus keep such RIDICULOUS names anyways?!?!??! And why are they so partial to names that end with an U???

But the most memorable person on the trip was P’s grand-dad. He must be 87 or thereabouts, and is a wizened, eccentric old man. He scolded everybody from the minute they got in to the minute they left :) Including me. He scolded me most of all. They were very apologetic and spent some time convincing me that he was the kind who picked on people he liked.

But I didn’t take offense. Would have felt strange if he scolded everybody else but was polite only to me! Made me feel more like the family, to be a part of the target.

Then came Bangalore when I finally met a ‘boy’. The boy was a nice boy but just not my type. Struggling to explain to my folks, the only thing I could come up with was “He’s too nice.”

I think they knew what I meant cos strangely, my mom didn’t accuse me of being picky/choosy/fastidious. And since that trip, they’ve been leaving me alone. My mom did tell me that if I turned down this fellow as well, she’d wash her hands off me. I think she actually meant it :)

He seemed like someone who’d led a protected and sheltered life. Like he’d been mollycoddled every step of the way. That might not have been necessarily true, but then again, in an arranged marriage, impressions are all one has to go by.

“I want a self-made man,” I told my folks and to pacify my dad, I added, “Like Appa.” That kinda won me Appa’s favour as well. So, on the whole, it was a good trip. My parents were nice to me and they haven’t nagged me even once since then. Also, they haven’t been “suggesting” newer boys. That kinda leaves me with a huge sense of relief.

I feel like I’ve just ended a huge marathon race and I’ve won and the sense of freedom at the end of it is awesome. Never mind that I haven’t found ‘the one’. Right now, I couldn’t care less.

S says she’s suspicious about the fact that I am saying that so often. I’ve told her that every single day since I returned! :p She thinks maybe I am trying to convince myself that I am happy. But actually, it’s just that I can’t help exulting at having reached this point of absolute freedom.

After the last few months of extreme stress, it’s suddenly like I am a kite that’s escaped from somebody’s hands and I have the whole wide sky to romp in!

P.S. But in spite of the nice things on the surface, there’s been one things that’s been worrying me. My secret parallel life? Yeah well…something like that.

The thing is…things happen. And when things happen, we build walls. Then, things happen again. And we learn to let down them walls. But then, why were we asked to build walls if we were gonna be asked to let them down again? Why let them down, when you know you’ll have to build them again? Beats me.

I saw him from a distance. Smart, suave, and above all…intelligent. I dig intelligent men…they’re so difficult to find. More so, balanced, intelligent men.

Of course, intelligence per se isn’t so difficult to find. I should think that most of these MBA types are ‘intelligent’…or if you are more artistically inclined, go to an ad agency or a media house. You’ll find the glib intelligent sort there. The type who is so far gone into their intelligence that they’re keeling over to the ‘other’ side. I might have been attracted to that type a few years ago. I might have found them challenging.

But age tempers one down. And with this tempered down personality, G seemed to fight right in. Like I said, he was smart and intelligent. Nice, but not so nice that he couldn’t be naughty. And my parents liked him too.

I loved our conversations….but then suddenly he said something and I realized. I realized that he is the kind of man who belongs to a ‘type’ too…the ‘type’ who’d be attracted to an intelligent woman but would never marry her.

They’d be stimulated by the conversation (“intellectual” stimulation naturally) but deep down, they’d be intimidated. They’d admire a woman who has a mind of her own, leech off her mentally and often emotionally, but when it came to taking the girl home to Mama, they’d never do it.

Cos just like they were attracted, they’d just as equally be intimidated by the independence. They’d be intimidated by the fact that a girl didn’t really need him 24/7, that she didn’t make him the god of her universe because she had a life of her own, that her waking and sleeping thoughts didn’t revolve around him cos she had a vivid thought life that churned out much more than just his well-being.

When I realized that about G, I decided that I’d avoid the type. But somehow, I’ve been meeting a lot of the type recently. My mom says that I come across as being strong-headed and yes, intimidating. Cos guys want homely, she said.

Homely? What exactly does the word mean anyways? Can somebody please enlighten me? Is it someone who spends most of her time at home? Cos in that case I AM homely-- I like being at home with my small circle. Or is it someone who puts her home above everything else? Or is it a ‘home-maker’. Or is it about an attitude? What?

I strongly suspect that I wouldn’t be ‘homely’. Though I am not overtly fond of people, though I am not a social butterfly or a social anything, though I am the kind that would stay within the boundaries of my space….my ‘space’ would be too charged to ever really be homely.

People tell me that I think too much. About things that don’t really deserve much thought. Maybe, they’re right. But do I really need to change that? I mean, why should I? Give me one good reason. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been this way. Reflective. As long as I can remember, I remember me standing at a distance always. Watching, analyzing, thinking.

All through school, teachers sent for my parents asking me if things were ok at home cos I always looked so worried and preoccupied. They’d hold my forehead and try to smooth it down cos it was always furrowed and crinkled.

I never could make anybody understand that I was ‘just thinking’. Slow down, they used to say. Slow down the thinking. You aren’t carrying the world, you know. And I’d agree. My thoughts weren’t really DOING anything. It wasn’t changing the world. But I couldn’t stop. There’d be the non-stop activity.

I’ve learnt to tone things down though. For instance, I don’t crinkle my brows anymore. Also, I don’t freak people out by making a sudden random observation. Not random for me cos I’d have been thinking about it for the last few hours, but random for ‘them’ cos they had no idea where I was coming from.

So…though I’ve toned it down, I suppose people would be intimidated still. People like G. Cos heck if I am ‘just thinking’ how would I ever look after the kids and make dinner? How the heck would I remember to press his shirts and scratch his ears for him?

And so I’ve been asking myself—is it worth it? I agreed that my parents could “look out” for me. Mainly cos, I didn’t wanna be bothered with looking out for myself. I wanted to be able to focus on other things. Also, I didn’t wanna be emotionally involved. I didn’t wanna spend precious time investing into a “love” relationship, only to find that at the end we weren’t living “happily foreverafter.”

So, if marriage was about compatibility and companionship, it seemed ok to check out a few guys and figure if we were compatible and companionable. But after meeting so many ‘types’ I think the arranged marriage system is flawed. No, wait. Maybe it’s not the system that’s flawed…maybe, I am the one who is flawed for the system?

Cos in this system, people are always wondering what they can get out of it. And that’s fair enough…cos after all an “arranged” marriage is just a euphemism for a “marriage of convenience.” There’s no love involved…so taking cold, hard decisions would not really be cold or hard.

And I don’t think I am the kinda person who’d fit into someone’s preconceived notions or expectations…cos in an arranged marriage, I’ve realized there are certain rules. Like type A and type C go well. Type B and type D would be incompatible. And so on and so forth. And I think, maybe God forgot to make my type….

And since I saw him from a distance, I’ve been asking myself—do I need this? I mean, do I need marriage? If I were in love, of course, that’s a different issue. But if I am not in love, am I really that much in need for companionship, that I’m willing to make conscious sacrifices just to escape loneliness? Am I even EVER lonely? Do I need this for myself?

No. cos a) I am not lonely. B) I don’t need ‘emotional security’. I am beyond expecting that from another human being. C) Strange as it might sound, my relationship with God gives me all the comfort, companionship or whatever else it is that people need…I don’t really need anybody else to make me happy or complete me.

So WHY do I need to get married if I am not in love? Why compel myself to get hitched….when I don’t feel the NEED to simply cos my parents want it or simply cos everybody else around me is doing it?
Heck! That’s right. I don’t really NEED TO!!

Bangalore and Back

Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that speak volumes. Bangalore was hectic. Two days into which we managed to squeeze in a lot of action. On the surface, we were just two families sitting over tea and coffee, talking about nothing in particular and having a generally good time.

But after they left, I felt suddenly as though I’d never be the same again. I mean nothing happened. But suddenly, I felt so strange…like I’d grown up and there was no going back. I felt that life would simply never be the same again. Something had changed. I just didn't know what... And then I realized that until now, I’ve been waiting.

Waiting for life to happen. Waiting for another day before I got around to doing ‘it’. Whatever 'it' is....cos as of now, I don't know...I've just been procrastinating.

But I am not gonna do that anymore. Cos all that I have is now, now, now. Just this moment to be lived in. The past is gone and the future never turns out the way you planned it anyways. You don’t have control over circumstances, or the decisions that others will take.

All that I do have is faith. And hope. And love. Faith that nothing evil will overcome me because He who loves me will never harm me and even the events that don’t make sense is part of His plans to make me grow up and just trust Him more…. Faith that the bleak present is just an essential part of the ‘moulding’ process…. Hope that one day in eternity, everything that has happened in my life will make perfect sense. And love to be shared…in all the moments spent together, the laughs, the tears, the joys, the victories….the moments of pain, agony, conflict shared together.

If I could speak face to face with God, I could just ask Him everyday what He wanted me to do and just do it. But part of the faith walk is finding out God’s will not as a readymade answer…but as a constant process of finding out and in the finding and searching process…grow up. So I can only act as I think He’d want me to, believing that even if I do choose wrong, God is God enough to let me learn from the experience and move on.

Another thing…from this day on, I will only go 50%. But I WILL go that 50% the whole hog. Will do my bit. 50%--No more and no less. If the other person won’t come the other 50% and meet me mid-way, it’s goodbye. Regrettably…but still goodbye.

But what about old friends, A asked aghast. Well, if old friends don’t feel the same way about preserving the relationship, why would I bang my head against a wall of great expectations? Obviously, they’ve moved on, so I’ll move on too. With no hard feelings. Cos I must remember I’ve done it too. Moved on so far and so beyond someone that there is no common ground anymore to relate with the other person. Like if I had to meet P and S and N from school, my best friends then, I’d be kinda clueless what to talk to them about. Or S1 and S2 from college. Or R. Or even A for that matter. When that person you were is dead, what do you bring alive into the relationship? Nothing. The relationship must die…inevitably. And there’s no going back... To go back and try to resurrect the relationship half-heartedly would be to spoil the memory of better times. No, thank you.

After my effusiveness last week, that might seem rather strange. I love my friends…but I am compelled to concede that sometimes, try as I might, relationships might go sour. Might. Futuristic. But sometimes things happen…things that are not in your control…so what’s the point of blaming yourself, the other person or life?

Cos in this journey called life…everybody is just another fellow traveler, right? You share the ride and then when your stop comes or the other person’s stop comes…you just part ways…not cos you want to…but cos it’s inevitable…and your journey together is at an end…and if you get so caught up with the company you’re with…you just might miss out on your destination.

The other person’s destination…it might just never be the same as yours. Neither right nor wrong but just not yours.

But heck…though that makes perfect logical sense, why does it make my heart feel so heavy?? I'm repeating old lessons to myself. Just to remind me... just so that I won't lose perspective, or lose my goal...

But really, why is it that we long for things that just might not be good for us? The lure of the forbidden fruit…the original sin...the same old trap.

Hyderabad and Back

Whew! Whatta week!

I am POOPED.

But in spite of the cough, fever and cold, I am deliriously happy. The trip was awesome. Starting from the time I stood in a never ending queue to buy a general ticket and fought tooth and nail with people who tried to squeeze in front by ‘cheating’ (*snort*) to the time I traveled by general ticket again six days later and arrived 8 hours late, the trip was everything I could have asked for.

Imagine a number as huge as 2-3 lakhs (perhaps more on the last day) singing and clapping and shouting deliriously! Even without passes, P managed to turn on his charm and used his connections in high places;-) to get us seats right at the front. So we didn’t have to squat on the muddy grass and have the dust fly up in our faces. But even without that, I managed to have got myself a bad case of dust allergy. Oh well. Every good time comes with a price, I guess. Just depends on whether the price was worth paying and it certainly was!

I came VERRRRRRRRRRRRRRY close to having a major crush on the lead singer, Martin Smith, but decided not to when I realised that he was married and even has 5 kids :-But he certainly knows how to flash his smile at the camera. Pinky and I had a foolish smile each time he did that, much to T’s (Pinky’s hubby) amusement. But I know he was miffed at some level cos at one point he told Pinky, “Go ask Martin Smith.” :p

Feel like doing a “Thank You” list again…but there are too many things to list here…

But above all, I am thankful for good friends. P and O, T and P, S and M--I know you don’t know the existence of this blog….but let me tell you, how thankful I am and how warmed by everything that you’ve all offered.

I thought I’d never work hard anymore to preserve friendships 'cos anyways everybody always only wanted things from you...and eventually, when they received everything you had to offer, they just upped and left...but I’ve changed that opinion now. This trip has made me appreciate fully the true meaning of “fellowship.”

I thought of treating them all to a fantabulous dinner or something but that was my mind speaking. No sooner did the idea come up than the still small voice in me said, “Nothing can repay them.”

And I knew that here were people who didn’t count what they gave…they didn’t expect anything in return, they just cherished me for who I was and all they wanted was my company…my self in return. And I had to humbly accept that…humbly accept that what people give from their heart….money cannot repay.

So what does one do with the innumerable kindnesses received?

Pass it on…it’s as simple as that.

The days have been so packed that my ‘quiet times’ have suffered terribly. But God’s still been speaking to me…the people I’ve met, little incidents that happened…through all of it, I’ve realized that God’s been trying to get my attention…trying to get me to expand my horizons…reassess myself, my priorities, my beliefs.

And I realized all of a sudden how precariously close I have been and perhaps still am to relegating God to a mere concept than an actual Person. I think at all points of my faith walk….that’s gonna be the toughest fight…mind versus a heart response. I need to just cling closer. A branch can’t really be a branch unless it is drawing from and into the plant itself…

P.S : Grr, Jew, Vee, Pings and Tim, Olive Oyl and Pal-sing, Joy, So and Dee, Sush and Sands...thank you for loving me at my worst and being with me not just through the ups, but also during the downs. I am blessed. I will try to work us out forever.

D and me were talking about life in general. I was answering her claim that everybody expected her to act a certain way.

"But isn't that fair enough," I asked. " I mean isn't it natural for people to expect that you'll give them what they want?"

"It's very unfair to me," she said.

Maybe. But at least in my professional life, I've learnt the art of balance, the art of giving what others want while making sure that I get what I want simply cos they feel indebted to giving me what I want. But the conversation with D remained...

Later that night, I told another D who is working on his thesis for philosophy of all things "Everybody wants only the good bits of you. So if everybody wants only the good bits and you keep distributing THAT out, what you are left with at the end of a long day is the bad bits. That's the only thing you are allowed to keep...by default, simply cos nobody ELSE wants it."

In his usual eccentric way, D noted it down to use for his thesis...or so he said...he's collecting "original thoughts" as part of his exercise. But though it was said quite flippantly at the time, later that evening, I realised that it was the truth in some sense.

So...the people who get the brunt of MY unwanted bits is (1) God, whom I question and query and ever so often throw tantrums at (2) my immediate family who will be affected by all the negative energy (the pent up frustration, the suppressed irritation, the where am I going from here) (3) my blog

Anyways....the reason I'm wondering is that something has just happened which has made me wonder about this blog. I mean why do I keep it and am I really projecting myself?

So…I’ve been reading the last few posts objectively. And I agree that the blog isn’t in the least reflective of the REAL me. (Cos one of my bestest friends in REAL life came across the blog and he didn't even REALISE it was me! When he finally figured, I have a strong feeling it's cos of my views on God....he'll have to read this and tell me if that's the case... ) That in the blog, I come across as extremely serious and extremely depressed and disillusioned, though in actuality, I am a rather ‘sunny’ person.

For instance, when we had a round of games at work, the thing most people universally agreed about me was that I was “Always cheerful.” Or as my secret writer put it, “Always smiling.”

!!!! I know that my virtual personality would get a rude shock on being told that!:p And so would my blog pals.

Someone told me that my life is not as miserable as I make it out to be. Course it’s not! That goes without saying.

Lol…this is my drama queen mode. It’s where I look at my 'self' through a magnifying glass, a microscope. But why your ‘self’, he asked? Cos heck, I can TALK about my new fish tank, or the new gift or the joke at work with ANYBODY. Why would I need to be an anonymous entity to do that??

But I can’t go discuss the vagaries of the ‘self’ with anybody!

But why even think so much, my sis will ask. Lol…I don’t know the answer to that in all honesty. One simple reason is that my job requires me to sit at a comp for 8 hours and it's not a job where I interact too much with people. Also, unless you're working on a campaign, the days are REALLY slow. That leaves me with a lot of 'vela' time and vela time is a devil's workshop.

But that apart, I think we all do think—whether we’re aware of it or not, there’s a constant monologue going on within our heads. The point is whether we really wanna tune in and how frequently we do it. I know people who won’t do it, till life splatters them against a wall and they HAVE to. And then, they are so outta touch with who they’ve turned out to be that they are clueless on how to proceed.

Like my friend who “falls in love” every few months. Every few months, a girl comes along and he's convinced it's ‘the one.’ Obviously, he hasn’t tuned in to make a few observations or take a few learnings along with him. I don’t even listen totally to his stories about ‘her’ cos I SO know that a few weeks or a few months from now, I’m gonna have to remove her name and replace it with a new one!

If only he’d just pause and THINK, even if it meant that he wouldn’t come out as such a ‘dude’ on his blog, he might have stopped looking so FOOLISH in real life.

Also, my blog is where I get to crib and rave and rant and fume so that when I meet the real world, I can be “always cheerful” and “always smiling.” At my assessment process, A, my boss scored me really high on interpersonal skills…now how the HECK would I ever have done that without my blog where I can be the anti-social princess trapped in a tower!

I think the reason behind all those dictums of “stop blogging” ensues from the assumption that others blog for the same reasons you do. I think every blogger is out here for very many reasons, sometimes a mixture of very many reasons…for me, blogging is where I re-centre myself. It’s where I spew out all the negativism I feel, so I can be centered in real life. After all, the bad bits need to go somewhere.

With God...I've other issues to discuss...other more important issues that I really need to find answers for ASAP. I can't give my folks the bad bits either cos they'd just give me *one tight slap* and ask me to stop cribbing. So, the 'bad' bits invariably find their way to the blog.

It’s where I think aloud when I am feeling low cos I couldn’t for the life of me, sit across a table and share my doubts, fears, insecurities and misty ponderings with anybody for REAL.

I don’t feel the need to blog about the times I’ve laughed in a day ,or had a good time and a few laughs... cos it’s happened! It's over and that's that. You don’t need to give any closer thought to it. There’s no analysis required in the fact that everyday after lunch we scramble down to have kulfi. Or, that come this Thursday, I am gonna be part of a music band *grin* Or, that starting Feb, I am gonna be learning Salsa! I’d be bored even WRITING about those things.

(Ok....the music band...I guess it's only fair I write about that. But I think I'd be too excited to write about it!!!! My legs are goin tap-tap-tap even beginning to THINK about it!! No way can I WRITE about it.)

And some comments really help me look at things from a wholly new perspective. And after I am done being miserable, when I look back, I realize that in spite of thinking it was…it WASN’T the end of the world after all, that there’s always hope and that nothing is so bad as it seems to be.

Strangely enough, after I’ve thrown out the despair, all that I am left with is hope! Catharsis…yeah…I guess THAT’S the word. The oldest reason anybody ever wrote!

For anybody who wants to ‘judge me by the contents of the blog,’ go get a life cos you are so obviously shallow and think that the person can be circumscribed to random blog entries!

Learnings from 2005-Part 2

Learning five:

The last quarter of 2005….relationships, relationships, relationships. More and more and more practice, I’ve been given. But I guess, that’s cos it’s the one area where I need to do the most un-learning.

The most painful relationship encounters have taught me, much to my dismay that very often, I am at fault too!! :-O I learnt that all too often, I was waiting for people to let me down…cos that kinda validated my anger and hurt at the world.

Learning six:

I started re-reading “Of Human Bondage” after almost 12 years. I identify ever so much with Philip…it’s definitely gonna go down as one of my fave books…. it’d been so long since I read it, I’d almost forgotten the story. I was a bit scared about reading it cos when I first read it at 12-ish or thereabouts, I was horribly depressed for days on end.

I was scared I’d get feeling that way again. But I guess I am not “still 12” as I always claim;-) The last 12 years have certainly added perspective and unlike the kid me I guess the adult me does know where to draw the line between reality and fiction.

Anyways, the reason I brought it up is cos the book was an eye-opener for me in the sense that it showed me why I screwed up so much with people. Philip always gets the short-end in relationships (not just the girl-boy relationships but relationships in general) cos he spent so much time in his make-believe world as a kid, he lost out valuable learning time on life…REAL life.

So, while his intellectual skills are quite developed, he is a total dolt when it comes to social skills and relationships. Actually, the word is naïve. And I think I still am that horrible word when it comes to relationships. To this day, I can’t make out if someone is playing mind-games with me or ‘using’ me or whatever ugly things that people sometimes tend to do.

Learning seven

In 2004, as sheer defense mechanism, I hit the other extreme. Closed doors. Barred all entry. All through 2005, each time I was hurt, I bit my lips and decided to harden up some more…but somehow, I doubt that’s the right reaction…the right reaction is balance, the right reaction is developing my judgment skills so I can really see people as they are…though I think I am still a little clueless there.

My friend S gave me very good advice. She said, “ Trust people, but don’t jump. Don’t be misled by appearances. Just cos someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they’ll never let you down. So wait and watch before you invest emotions but be nice to them all the same…

Yes…I SO need to learn that in 2006…the right balance between attachment and detachment. Lots more practice will make me perfect:)

Learning eight:

The next major learning has been…about my family. I've come to realise that parents are not so grown up as we think they should be…deep down, they are just 12 too…parents are people with a past too…and often, it determines how they behave to each other and to you…so me…I gotta be kind to them. KIND. Just look at them not as gods who didn't do it all, but as human beings who are just…well…human.

I think until now…I’ve been looking at them as a child looks at its parents. Deep down, there has always been the resentment that they screwed up so many times in so many ways… there was anger that they weren’t infallible…I’ve compared them to other kids’ parents and been angry and outraged at them cos they weren’t like them.

Must have been really horrid for them…I mean, I know how pisssed off I get when I am compared….it must be even worse to feel that in spite of her SAYING nothing, your daughter makes you feel that you are the world’s worst parents. No, I never really thought THAT, but I know I always twisted the knife just to make them feel guilty :- ( I hate that ugly trick I do sometimes)

But yes…the last one year has changed the dynamics. Also, it’s taught me what not to do in my own marriage and when I have my own family. (Also, I will never allow my kids to read fairy tales. I will also never send them to a girl’s school. )

Learning nine

Update: Re-reading the post of 26th December, I realized yet another thing (So many realizations…I think I am this close to Nirvana) what really hurts is not so much that someone hurt you cos they didn’t ‘know’ you or that though they loved you, they didn’t ‘know’ you…what ACTUALLY hurts more is that they hurt you in spite of ‘knowing’ you in whatever degree they did, or that they ‘knew’ you but didn’t love you.

Learning ten

I'll take learning seven again cos re-reading 26th's post with today’s post…I am torn between 2 extreme reactions-1. people aren’t worth it and 2, they are worth it. Sigh....Balance. I think I should wear the word around my neck, bind it around my arms and have it as my screensaver.

Oh and I am done with 2005. Hope the first 5 days have been rocking for everybody...and since I have a penchant for being 'first', before anybody else in blogdom does it, I shall!! Wish you all a very happy 2007.

Learnings from 2005-Part I

A New Year always demands a review. So the next one fortnight, that’s what I need to do…

I wondered if I should give up the blog but then…not yet. There are reasons why I should though. I’ve realized that the blog gets in the way of my doing any worthwhile writing….hmmm…oh well.

New Year’s eve was…I donno. I had a good time…but beneath it all, beneath the laughter and merriment, I felt so terribly lonely and alone. It was a couples’ party and my friends being the good couples that they are, decided to invite their poor single friends cos they knew they’d be alone. So that explains my presence there.

The only other single besides me was miserable (but doing a great job at hiding it) cos his ex had come with her soon-to-be husband. (Anyways, the girl was behaving like a total bitch…I mean, she was the one who decided she didn’t want the relationship and then without the slightest feeling of remorse or guilt was smooching her fiancé. Could have so given her *one tight slap* I mean whatever happened to sensitivity???)

Felt terribly sorry for the rejected boy. Also, felt terribly sorry for myself. Lol.

One bit of me wanted to just get back home, snuggle up in bed and talk to God. I knew that if I kept silent for an instant the voices in my head would start speaking, so I frenetically kept myself going.

I am a more “one-on-one person”…Crowds (more than two new faces) make me nervous and shy though I do a great job at pretending that I am at ease. The only time I love crowds is when I am on stage. That’s a major contradiction…oh well…. But I SOOOOOOO longed for my tower yesterday…

That’s all I’ve been doing today though staying in my tower praying, questioning, mulling…so many unanswered questions from last year…so many unfulfilled dreams, relationships that didn’t quite go sour but didn’t quite go the way I intended it to either, let-downs from people, silence from God…. but then again, I’ve learnt so much…

Learning number one:

Most importantly, I learnt to forgive… July taught me that you can’t ever really let go of the past until you learn to forgive. And that forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate choice… And I have forgiven them all but I still have a wee bit more to go when it comes to forgiving myself. (Still feel incredibly stupid when I look back.)

Today, my pastor kinda confirmed that bit about forgiving yourself. He said, “ Did you know that if God has told you ‘forgiven’ (and He always does), it’s a SIN to not forgive yourself?” I really felt like he was talking to me… the same thought occurred to me a few weeks ago and it was like I hadn’t listened the first time, so God had to tell me again….

Learning number two:

I’ve also learnt that though trust has to be earned…it’s also a choice. In 2004, I remember writing… “Love is unconditional, but trust has to be earned.” It’s not true. It’s SO not true cos it isn’t fair to the other person. Just cos someone else screwed up on you, the rest of humanity (and often, unbelievable as it sounds, many people DO care about you) doesn’t deserve to be weighed and found wanting.

It’s so easy to turn cynical…the idealists are not fools…I think…they are fighters…they managed to keep their dreams and their hope intact in spite of rude shocks from reality, in spite of disillusions…like Gandhi…like Anne Frank who even while she was being hunted down by the Nazis could say, “In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart.”

Learning number three:

I had to unlearn what I had learnt about trust. I believe life will require that of me time and time again…to unlearn what I’ve learnt.

Learning number four:

The ugliest circumstances have taught me to trust God more…the longest silences from Him have taught me what it is to walk by faith and not by sight, to keep on believing Him even when the circumstances around me don’t seem to change, to refrain from denying His existence cos the exact opposite of my prayers have come to pass….

The first euphoria of my relationship with God began to wane in 2005…but I’ve learnt the most valuable spiritual lesson that will see me through 2006-- You are as close to God as you choose to be. And I believe it applies to every other relationship too--You are as close to your husband/wife/lover/friend/parent/child as you CHOOSE to be.

Take love for instance….I see so many staid, stagnant relationships around me (frightens me to see a couple sitting opposite each other looking bored outta their wits) but then again, I see relationships , where you can TELL that in spite of the gray hair and wrinkles the couple loves each other dearly…

Surely, choice must be the BIGGEST principle that governs man’s life on earth…with every choice leading you down a definite path that no other choice can rectify or undo. The friction comes when you try to arm-twist others into choosing what you want, the tragedy lies in the fact that you can’t choose for the one you love…

Learning five-ten, I will save for another day....